Tengoku no Yuubin Post
Sunday, Oct. 18, 2009 8:40 p.m.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9HgHLtoJfU

OMG Mayumi showed me this PV/song and I was like bawling for about 15-20 minutes just because it opened up a whole bunch of memories about last year when Dad died suddenly and how I never really got to say anything. Even when I was supposed to be there to say goodbye when he was still on life support, I couldn't say anything. I just cried and stood there and watched. It's not like I didn't want to say something. Even when he was awake before when I visited for New Years' I wanted to speak. I wanted to say things, but I couldn't. I knew what was there and I'm pretty sure my Dad knew what was there, but I should have said something. He just said don't worry and he'll be home and that he was fine and that he's just laying there. But he wasn't okay and he never came home. He stayed there and died in the hospital. It's so unimaginably painful. It just gets easier not to think about it as time goes by, but it never really heals. And of course there's only one thing that stops it and makes me feel better. I'm not really sure why. I'm kind of emotionally exhausted right now from that song alone, so I'm trying to fill up that hole again right now.

I'm translating his diary entries now too. There's other people doing it too, but I want to do it as thanks because of what his music has done for me. There was this thing that happened like a week ago that had a bunch of things up in the air though because it seemed like he didn't appreciate us translating, but then it seems like he wrote a retraction the next day. My friends all said that they're kind of confused by it since it's like a radical change from the tone before. Mayumi said that someone from his office or even someone else might've spoken to him and been like "Hey, uh, this is kind of messed up." I don't really know though. I just see what's there and so did my friends. They're just as confused as I am. Lauren was actually kind of pissed about it on my behalf too. XD She's sweet.

I wasn't really sure how to take everything at first and I'm still not really sure, but I don't care right now. I guess I've gotten over it? Well, I'm a little apprehensive and worried if maybe there was something I missed because when I listen to him sing, I hear something else. I was thinking maybe I misjudged him and had doubts and stuff, but when I listen to his songs, I feel really sure that there's something very admirable there. I just kind of wish he'd show that side a little more often, I guess you can say. There's just something very great inside him that I think needs to be shared with the world. It's not just that he sings well, but it's that he puts a certain kind of passion and heart into what he sings and it just moves you if you care to listen. It actually irritates me a little when I see other people talking about how good he *sounds* and how it sounds hot or whatever. It's like they totally miss the point of music and they are only listening on a shallow level. They aren't listening to the depth of what's there and the emotion and soul being displayed. He has a very great talent and knack for being able to do that and it's a shame that it doesn't really seem like it's being appreciated on a level that maybe it should be. XD I dunno, I kind of worry about things that maybe I shouldn't like how things affect the community and like the world overall even though it's like one thing or one event.

Like for Miyavi I don't like how Miyavi felt responsible for his fans attacking his wife. I don't think something like that is his fault. Some people are just crazy. At the same time, it's also something that came from his overseas fans and I think that's something that we're responsible for as a community. I know myself, Nex, and Hikari try to do our best to encourage people to stay grounded to reality and be mature about everything, but the problem is that we're only 3 people and not an official source. PSC wasn't really helping overseas correspondence and there were places where the three of us couldn't reach where insanity and fangirlisms thrived and as a result, some crazy bitches attacked melody. and Miyavi's beloved Lovelie. Miyavi was really happy to be a Dad and really proud that he was going to be. And yet, even though that fan claimed to love Miyavi so much, they did something evil that hurt him. How selfish is that? I worry about things like that though and I tried my best to try to do what I could to encourage the growth of more mature grounded fans that would be able to accept things like that graciously, but as a community we failed. I think that's more our fault for not being able to encourage self-control amongst our Co-Miyavi peers. From those experiences with Miyavi though, it makes me worry about Tatsuhisa and where he's going now that he has something set up that the world can see. Plus he's embarking on a project musically that spreads far beyond Japan now. Music knows no language barriers because you can be moved from the sound and energy the singer puts into the song even though you don't know the words. It's one of the magical things about it as an artform. The singer's fervor and passion is more expressive than any word or words possibly could be.

When it was just his seiyuu work, it's limited mostly to Japan because unless you seek out anime or games with the Japanese dialogue in it specifically, you can ignore him. Plus a lot of his other more fanservicey projects are by and large restricted to Japan only, so as of yet he has a limited scope of popularity. I even found him by coincidence from one of his more mainstream projects simply because I got tired of my ears bleeding when I was playing Fire Emblem and at the time desperately seeking new music to help cope with my loss. If I hadn't done that, I probably would have never noticed him since I don't care for a majority of his work and have thoroughly moved into toku land by now. It's bittersweet and it feels like I had to trade my Dad's life in order to find such a treasure trove of music that helped me to put my past behind me, but I'm glad I found him. He's a diamond in the rough for sure, so I hope he can reach more people and I'm sure he will with music. The problem is that people are dumb while the individual is smart. I worry constantly about how he'll be viewed by others, so I want to be somewhat preemptive about it and help out. He's able to do so much, so I want to make sure he comes across to people who don't know Japanese clearly. I want the world to be able to see what he has to offer. He's like a very bright star about to start shining to the max. And because I'm really grateful to him for what his music and depth has done for me thus far, I pray for his success and happiness. It's kind of a strange thing to say I think, but I know I also think differently. I also like the me that worries about things like this and worries about other people and the community and real problems.

Just a couple of years ago all through 2007 I hated myself too. Even if I tried to be a good person and I really was a good person. I know I was and that I genuinely cared about other people and I cried when people I didn't know died, but even though I was that way, I hated myself so much. I could only see the things about myself that I hated and I wanted to die so much because I thought no one would care that I was gone because I didn't mean anything and I was inherently evil no matter how much good I did. The me now is so different. I like the me now because I don't think that way anymore and even though I get angry at people still because I'm human, I don't truly wish ill on others. I think good things and I try to do good things. I care about other people and I try my best to help. I care about the community and I care that people are treated right and treated like human beings. I like that me. I think that's beautiful. I still have a lot of things I have to improve on, but I like who I am now and I think that his music helped me to see that. I think part of the reason why I like him is because I see part of myself in him too. I kind of thought that at the beginning that I felt he was kind of similar to me in some ways, so I think that part of coming to like him was helping me to come to like a part of myself that I wasn't accepting. It's kind of hard to explain. XD