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One Year
I dunno, somehow, I've been feeling really down lately and I wasn't really exactly sure why and then I realized that it's been a year since my Dad was hospitalized because of his heart attack. It was last year on December 26th. I dunno, maybe it's silly after just one year after, but it's just hard remembering that at this time one year ago, my Dad was lying in a bed in a hospital with all of these tubes attached to him telling me he was going to be okay and then LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. He wasn't okay and he's not here anymore now. I regretted so much not going home for Thanksgiving or Christmas that I made sure I went home for those holidays this year to see my grandma a little more often because along with my Dad, I love my grandma. I love my Dad, my grandma, my cousins, and my sister, and well, my grandma's old. She's fortunately very attentive considering her age and how many strokes she's been through herself, but she'll be going too someday and I want to make sure I see her.
Well, also, I'd been feeling out of it and I kind of noticed toward the end of my overtime today that I hadn't really set aside any mourning time for me this weekend to just cry. My grandma was telling me some stories about him this weekend too and it just made me really cry a lot. Like apparently my Dad has this secret degree in Western medicine that the rest of my family doesn't know anything about and that he gave my grandma these herbal pills that now she's running out of. The Western medicine my grandma takes sometimes makes her a little crazy and she has to take them everyday, but the herbal ones she only has to take once a week and they make her feel better.
I dunno, all day I was having some really bad musical cravings all day and wanting to listen to Tatsuhisa's songs, but I didn't have time to even take out my mp3 player today because we were really busy at work. Actually all this month, I think I've been kind of just thinking about him in general more and more a lot come to think of it. It's probably the approach of this stretch of the month and into January and February. I think maybe I should ask for February 2nd off just because the 1st is the anniversary of his actual passing and I don't think I'll feel like doing anything on the 1st and probably won't be ready to go back to work. But yah, lately I've been kind of craving comfort stuff just more and more. And right now, I'm marathoning music. I think I'll probably leave my computer on tonight to help me sleep. It's not an exact year this year, but the 26th last year was the first day of month end and I got the call at around 6 or so that day and started just crying at work, but forced myself to stay and keep going because there wasn't really anything I could do at the time since I was in SoCal. So then today is the first day of month end this year, so it just seemed like as the day dragged on, I just didn't feel so great.
When I got home I just started crying my heart out too just like I did last year. I feel a lot better after letting it out though, but then I feel kind of...empty. It was just such a severe loss.... At least somehow Tatsuhisa reminds me of my Dad in a way that it kind of fills that emptiness a little when I listen to his music, so it helps. I'm not really sure I can explain how, but it's like...he's a kind of "living example" of some of my favorite things about my Dad that I don't have anymore. ^^;;; I don't know if that makes any sense. Eh, it makes me feel better, so whatever works.
Home
Well, it's been awhile since I've updated. Nothing much has really happened. I am *still* trying to work on pulling out some kind of layout or goodie, but I noticed that I don't really have much in good picture resources. I know at *least* I have the photo book as a scanning resource, but then some of the ones I really like are black and white which puts a limiter on my design options. It's not like I can't deal with it, but it'd be nice to work with a few more color shots that are like positioned in a way that I can use them. It's just that if a pic has color in it, it helps me with picking out a color scheme and such. Some of them are also *really* nice pics, but then with the way that the photo is framed I can't think of a good way to use it or it's hard to use it WELL as a wallpaper or winamp skin or I have to narrow shot it in a layout, which is really limiting cuz layouts need to be at least as big as a screen. Like there's some shots where like his shoulders or arms are cut out and while I LOVE the pic, I have to cut out so much of the awesomeness of the picture in order to make it look right on my "canvas". I mean, it just LOOKS lame when you have the mysteriously disappearing body parts or dismembered appendages that go to nowhere. And then sometimes it's just that because of the background it makes him hard to cut out and preserve him if I wanted to do a fancier type of layout with filters and layers and textures. And then yet other ones sometimes have a combination of both where I can't really cut him out in certain parts and the framing is just hard to work with in the parts where I maybe *could* save it so that I can't. It's like "Damn, if only there was 2 or 3 inches more on the left." So yah, because of that I've been trying to peruse online for other options, but most of the things I'm kind of interested in are scanned small. =/ Unfortunately I don't have the mags to some of the pics I want, so I can't make them bigger like I want. I have some that are decent sized, but it's hard to really make it fit a wallpaper or a layout cuz they'll be pixel-y or tiny. A layout or a wallpaper can be a pretty big canvas too. I'm used to doing great winamp skins, but that's because the canvas is small enough that it doesn't really require a lot of image to work with.
Hrm, also, I was just thinking about how even if I *had* some of the mags, some of the pics I want to use have like...TEXT all over the useful parts so it's like DAMN. I have to try to go through the trouble to Photoshop it out and depending how much there is, I may or may not be successful at it. There's only so much you can do with Mr. Rubber Stamp and blending options. It's kind of sad because I never usually have that much trouble with photoshoot pics from VK mags like Shoxx or Fool's Mate like say with Miyavi's Kotevisu series pics in Fool's Mate a couple of years back. A TON of good shots that I could do a lot with. I managed to make a web page layout with it, a whole error page scheme, a Gaia layout, and a winamp skin for Miyavi's birthday this year. SO much awesome came out of one shoot just because there was a plethora of pics available, a lot of great, usable angles or at least a color scheme that was SUPER easy to work around, and to top it all off, was just plain gorgeous. There's a couple of other Kotevisu shoots I still want to use though. One I'm eyeing I made one icon for that I used for my deviant art account icon, but man, I can do SO much with VK scans and I can't do much with the scans and pics I find of Tatsuhisa. It's sad really. =/ I'll find a way to pull out something, but it'll just take a bit.
So yeah, there's my little creativity plight, but I'm working on it. I'm thinking about just straight up buying a few things that maybe I can use.
Other than that, I went home for Christmas. My Mom and sister came down to visit me beforehand and then took me up on Christmas Eve. I don't mean to be a brat or anything, but seriously I *clash* with my Mom a lot. I think our personalities just don't mesh well cuz I can't stand to be around her for more than 3 hours. I love her as my Mom, but I seriously hate her as a person. If she were not my Mom and another person, I wouldn't associate with her because she just drives me *CRAZY*. Unfortunately, my Mom hasn't figured this out yet and continues to try to force quality time with me, when I actually think it's better if she leaves me alone. I'm happier that way. When I'm around her, I don't like the person I become because she just pushes all of my buttons so easily that I just straight up become an immature child prone to temper tantrums and passive aggressive behavior. I mean, I'm fine with other people, but when I'm around her it's like my personality just changes. I hate it. Fortunately, since a few years ago, when I go back up to NorCal I just stay at my grandma's house in San Jose, so for most of my stay I didn't have to deal with her. My Uncle and grandma drove me back today and they're gonna take me to work tomorrow. =D
As much as my Mom drives me nuts though, the plus side out of the visit was that I got some stuff for my apartment to help me settle in some more that I wouldn't be able to get without a car. So that's nice.
And well, then for the inspiration of the title to this entry: lately, I've been feeling like I want to go "home". But then no matter where I am even when I'm physically at a place that in theory I could call "home", I don't feel like I am home. Like where my Mom is can technically be "home" cuz technically that's my "permanent address" that is my alternate contact since I had gone off to college since I might still migrate a lot while I'm on my own and still getting started. But there I don't really feel like I'm home even when I was in high school and we were living in the original apartment. It kind of feels more like a hostile environment with my Mom there. And then my grandma's house is my grandma's house, so that's not really home. My own apartment is kind of just...where I live. I don't know if it's really "home" at least not yet. My bed kind of feels like home. I wonder if right now, "home" is still intangible for me or lies in a memory I have from my childhood. That kind of seems like the closest thing cuz when I was little, I had this feeling of complete and utter safety and satisfaction that I can't say I have right now. That kind of thing I have to build up to have on my own and I don't really know where I can get all of the "pieces" I need to do so. What's necessary? What am I missing? I'm not really sure, but sometimes when I'm just feeling really vulnerable, I just really want to go "home". I don't really feel like I have my sanctuary just yet.
Anyway, time to hit the hay.
Stressed the Crap Out
Man, am I stressed the hell out. Month end is already crazy and our official overtime days haven't even started. And to top it all off, this creepy guy came up to me and tried to pick me up at the bus stop on Wednesday. I've been mentally on edge since then and trying to give myself some self-therapy to remind myself that there ARE good guys out there that aren't creeps that make my skin crawl. I've changed my pattern for coming home too to try to be safer.
I'm so tired though....my brain like checked out at 11 am, but I still had a lot of shit to do.
On the plus side I found a shock a bit ago when I was flipping channels on KeyHoleTV before Kamen Rider Kiva came on and I flipped by Pokemon Sunday and heard a familiar voice....coming out of the blond kid whose ass I wipe the floor with in my Pokemon games. ROFLMAO Suddenly the games have new meaning to me and it's more amusing (blond kid = Tatsuhisa) just because I've kicked that kid's ass so many times AND since I'm female, I use Hikari all the time. She's actually my favorite out of all of the Pokemon game shujinkou. The others are kind of boring, but Hikari's really entertaining for some reason and I love her outfit. Especially the one for Platinum. <333 Still though, it was amusing and it almost made me feel bad for kicking his ass, but not enough. XD I was still rooting for Satoshi to kick his ass also. LOL It's strange though to hear his voice coming out of that kid though cuz like...somehow it doesn't seem right. XD I mean, he's the same age as Hikari, but it seems like Tatsuhisa's voice seems a little too low for him. It makes him sound like puberty hit him like a ton of bricks. Are there 10/11 year olds with voices that low? I know Tatsuhisa's voice is high for a guy, but seriously this is a YOUNG KID still. One notch higher would sound more appropriate, I think. I'm happy for him, but at the same time it just seems kind of odd. I guess I can get used to it. I still gotta find a way to watch that movie with Shaymin in it, but I suppose if the blond kid sticks around long enough, he might end up in the next movie. XD
I have to admit though, in regards to gameplay and tolerance, he's probably one of the better rivals in the whole series. Like Gary was an ASSHOLE up until the end (but I don't think he redeemed himself) and then he dropped off the face of the Pokemon earth. XD I remember I used to be happy when his fangirls were sad. =D *sadist* The other Pokemon games were kind of just boring with boring rivals, but for some reason this kid's interesting. Like it's enough to rile you up, but he's not enough of a jerk to make you want to punch him in the face. Mopping the floor with his ass is enough. That and he gives good exp and $ since he has the highest level Pokemon in Pokemon history at the end. Well, also, he's kind of stupid. XD I always wonder how people think they can beat Satoshi's Pikachuu when he's had it for TEN SEASONS. Christ, that thing must be level 100 already. But then he's always so impatient too and it seems like even more so from what I saw of the snips of the anime I caught before I got weirded out and went to go watch Kiva. I remember thinking when I was playing the game that I'd have to feel sorry for any wife he would have one day since he likes to do EVERYTHING so quickly. At least blond kid's (and yes, I do know he has a name that they gave him, but then when I was playing I named him something else, so the name they gave him hasn't sunk in with me yet) Pokemon don't suck that I know of. They had a list on Bulbapedia, but then the suck thing about having Empoleon (even though I like Empoleon) is that it's a steel type Pokemon and steel type kind of suck in Sinnoh toward the end because EVERY elite four member has at least one Pokemon that knows fucking earthquake. GODDAMN I HATE EARTHQUAKE.
I like penguins, so I got Piplup/Pochama, but then of course when you only have one starter Pokemon, you level them up to their last evolution only Empoleon is also a STEEL type, which stinks cuz you can fight against a ground type during the elite four battles, but then JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE EARTHQUAKE they faint it when normally it shouldn't matter that much because it's water type. I mated it though and I got a baby Piplup that I put an everstone on so now I have a perma baby penguin. =D I like Delibird too, but Piplup is so much cuter~ That and I pimped out my DS to be full of Piplup and got a light blue DS JUST for this purpose. XD *dork* I got a Piplup carrying case also that I put all my DS stuff in. *squee* I liked Chimchar/Kozaru too, but it was kind of...uglier than Piplup although Infernape/Goukazaru looks like Son Wu-k'ung. XD Turtwig just looks pathetic. D= I swear usually out of the starter Pokemon, I always like the water ones. They're consistently cute. Sometimes one of the other types is cute, but water is always cute from Squirtle, to Totodile (that sounds like Donald Duck!), Mudkip, to Piplup. Fire's usually okay. Charmander's okay, but it's just got this charm where you like it (plus it's one of the original starters, so it's cool out of nostalgia), Cyndaquil is pretty cute, Torchic is cute, and Chimchar is okay. With grass though, it's a lot more hit and miss. Bulbasaur's okay, CHIKORITA IS AWESOME, Treecko is ugly, and Turtwig is...WHAT?! So yeah, my conclusion, water pwns. XD I find most water Pokemon to be pretty or cute anyway, but I'm kind of a water person too, so there's bias. =X Well, water and ice. Most of my party usually consistently has water Pokemon in it. I try to look for cool types of other Pokemon, but it can be so hard! Runner up to water is usually fire Pokemon or psychic Pokemon. One of my all-time favorites is still Mewtwo. I'm playing FireRed and LeafGreen mostly just for Mewtwo. I managed to get Lugia too, which is my other rare Pokemon that I love and I can't play with anymore because my Pokemon Silver's battery died. D= But yah, I managed to get him again~ <3 Lugia uses water moves even though he isn't...that probably adds bias. XD I also like Lucario, but he's psychic and blue. XD
Anyway, that's my week in all it's glory. Other than that, I'm working on Ceece's lawyer web page because the template she has up right now burns the eyes and she needed something professional and pretty so I made one. <333 She's gonna try to get some of her lawyer friends to be my clients for web pages. YAY.
I was thinking of doing a layout for fun either this weekend or during my downtime at month end. Probably that late birthday present thing. XD It's gonna be an "empty" layout though cuz I'm not making it for any particular thing. I just felt like making one, so it won't have any content.
Nostalgic
I was just kind of feeling nostalgic all day today. I'm not really sure why, but I felt particularly sensitive and I just felt like I really missed my Dad. XD As a counter to try to try to keep going and stay stable, I also tried to "remember" Tatsuhisa too. For some reason that just helps because I kind of get a kind of similar feeling from him that I did from my Dad. I'm not really sure why, but it's somewhat of an aura, I guess? They're pretty different in a number of ways too, but then I guess like some "base" feeling of what I get from Tatsuhisa just reminds me of some of my most precious memories of my Dad that I don't ever want to forget. I dunno, it's not like I really know him or anything, but somehow listening to him sing and finding out stuff about him just helps to like...fill part of the hole my Dad left behind. I dunno if it's the feeling of a Scorpio or what, but just some of the feeling I get from like...stuff he does and particularly his singing just kind of gives me a kind of childlike joy and kind of puts me in a kind of...obedient, I guess you can say, mood like my Dad did. I always wanted to be a good girl around my Dad. It's not like my Dad was without his own mistakes or anything, but when my Mom was being nutso since I was little, my Dad was there for me. And it's just I keep thinking about how I don't really have that anymore now to run to. Like when I was little it was my Mom and when I got older, my Dad and I kind of didn't really talk, but it was kind of an unspoken understanding of things. And then when I really did need help and I told him about it, he was there. He was also always supportive of my hobbies while my Mom completely wasn't and was always hoping I'd turn into one of those retarded stick girls on TV and in magazines that would only be interested in guys and shopping. She STILL does that to me sometimes too and it makes me want to punch her in the face. Still though....my Dad would be there for me. I remember when I was little after my Mom hit me again for crying when I was like...really small and still kind of a baby (and would obviously CRY when hit), my Dad took me away from her and held me and put me on his knee and commented that Mom didn't want me to be a baby anymore (even though I was). And then after crying for a bit more in my Dad's arms, he bounced me up and down on his knee to play horsey and said a bunch of silly things that made me smile and made me laugh and feel happy again. But then when the thing that made me sad is the fact that he died and he's not here anymore, where do I go to get cheered up?
That's a kind of question I've been trying to answer, but the only thing that's even come close is listening to Tatsuhisa and hearing about silly ass random things he does sometimes. He's not quite as random as Miyavi cuz Miyavi does some really random shit, but Tatsuhisa just strikes me as silly and playful in the same way my Dad was for me when I was little. And I dunno, I found out about him after my Dad passed away, so then I kind of just think that my Dad helped lead me to him. But then I picked up Fire Emblem while Dad was still in the hospital and awake back in January. I just happened to feel like going into the mall that day and going to GameStop. I was doing okay with dealing with the English voices for awhile too. It's not really that they're good, but they're definitely not as awful as they could have been. They're decent and you can deal with it since the characters don't talk very often anyway. Still though, sometime after the funeral something just drove me to just decide to look up the Japanese cast and look up youtube videos of the FMVs just to find out about the Japanese version. It was kind of a random impulse, but it kind of paid off just cuz I was burying myself in a lot of stuff and not addressing anything cuz well, I was mourning and depressed. Everyday was kind of routine and I was kind of just existing. I wanted to try to live after I had that weird dream (or near death experience; I can't tell what that was that night), but then it was really hard and I just didn't know what to do. Somehow though finding out more about Tatsuhisa though kind of made it a little easier for all those reasons I put in the info for my skin. XD From the beginning I didn't really have too much interest in the fanservicey things that he did, but I was curious about the music he'd done since I'm a music junkie. So then as I was learning more about his ethic behind the music he sang, it kind of made me feel a little better and certain songs do honestly feel like I can kind of...hear more of himself and more of...his "soul" in them. And somehow....just kind of getting that kind of feeling just kind of gave me, I guess, a similar childlike feeling like I had with my Dad. Like a similar kind of warmth I guess, and I guess the feeling's not too surprising considering my Dad and I didn't really share too much. Most of the time that we actually talked was usually more on an intellectual level like when he'd tell me about acupuncture points or random facts or that one time when I was telling him about how shocked I was about the news report we saw on TV about the "choking game" with straight A students claiming they didn't know it could kill them. REALLY? STRANGLING YOURSELF so that you CAN'T BREATHE?
I've digressed some, but still....it's just I kind of have an intellectual respect for Tatsuhisa too, so it's just...the kind of feeling I get from him just really reminds me of something that's so precious to me that I don't really have anymore.
And then to kind of just...make me more kind of sappy today, while I was going through some of my unpacking stuff, I found an envelope that my Dad used to send stuff to me that had his name on it. I mean, the envelope was empty, but seeing his handwriting and everything....I dunno, I'm a sap right now. I really miss my Dad.
Curtains Up
Okay, I got my curtains up and it seems like I've increased my insulation potential. I mainly have them up for privacy, but I like being warm during the winter too. It gets a tad chilly in the morning, so it'll be a welcome change.
My apartment status is now minus one box, but plus one black table that I'm using as a foot stool right now and will become my printer and scanner side table, curtains for the big window for privacy, and a noren to block the view into the living room from the kitchen. I think I also forgot to mention that in the kitchen, one of the blinds thingies broke so it's down and there's a slit that gives a view in. D= At least I can change next to my bed without worrying about people passing by the window though.
Yesterday I got really tired, so then I kind of didn't really finish what I was writing. I was thinking though about the date itself and the fact that it's also Veteran's Day. I wonder if being born on a holiday affects a person's personality any or if like...they grow up inheriting the spirit of the date. I don't mean like Christmas necessarily although kids with birthdays around Christmas tend to have either really awesome or really shitty birthdays/Christmases. But y'know, for Tatsuhisa, he seems kind of like....a generally happy person and like...not really confrontational. He seems really capable of great things, but he's not really super in your face and like a punk (read: jackass) or anything. Somehow, he strikes me as embodying some of the characteristics of Veteran's Day and the end of WW I. He is kind of a fighter in a way, but like...a fighter for what is real and that's something I really appreciate.
尊敬している人に Bon 25 Ème L'Anniversaire
XD I had to be a dork and write it funny, but today is the quarter centennial anniversary of Suzuki Tatsuhisa (AKA his 25th birthday). I don't know why I feel so happy about it, but I guess it's just something to think about that's nice compared to thinking about where I'm going to put all of my shit and how I still have SO MUCH TO PUT AWAY. Well, that and I'm just in general horribly bemused by the fact that he's only less than 3 months younger than me. Essentially, he's the same age as me. XD It just makes me happy though to respect someone that's my own age that doesn't make me feel like...horribly insufficient and like a slacker. I like Utada Hikaru too and she's like 7 months older than me, but her career took off like a rocket and while I love her work, it makes me feel like...such a lazy person.
Oh, also, the 25th anniversary thing I used for my own birthday too. I got it from Miyavi because of his "25th Anniversary" concert set he did back in 2006. And haha, one of the days he actually had a birthday live. It was literally the 25th anniversary of his birth. The quarter centennial thing I kind of just made up myself to make it sound more old timey and to be respected. The French thing I did with the title is just from Miyavi's photobook "JE VOUS SOUHAITE UN BON ANNIVERSAIRE". XD I hope I got my French right considering I only took one year of it.
Technically by now too his birthday's over considering it's now the 12th in Japan.
I kind of feel like maybe I should've made something for him like I did Miyavi, but I haven't had the time with all of the moving and unpacking or anything. I don't really have the space right now for a creative atmosphere either (it's cramped). I guess I might do something a little later this week though? I'm going to be helping a friend with their web page, so I might have some time to just whip something up as a bit of a treat to show my gratitude. 25 is a big year and not one to skip, so I have to post something up.
So yeah, a lot of stuff still to do, but I put some stuff away and set up my PS2 and my Wii. So the TV is done. Yesterday I completed my bed set up. My bathroom got perfected this weekend. I have some curtain hanging to do in the living room and I need to hang my noren up for the blockage of the living room. The one I bought is nice and long which is good cuz it blocks a sufficient amount of the living room view. Other than that, I still need my drawer thingy and I determined yesterday I need to get a plastic tub to shove most of my stuffed animals in. I need to get some kind of rack to put my other DVDs and VHS tapes in though. A new laundry thing might be helpful too cuz I hate carrying stuff cuz clothes gets heavy. D=
Moved In
Well, I'm pretty much all moved in except for my bike and some cleaning supplies. My bike I need to make room for because I still need to finish unpacking my stuff and cleaning supplies need to stay there until the last day because we have stuff to make clean and shiny like new. =D Then we can get back more of our deposit.
With moving, there's of course the buying of stuff. It kind of sucks, but at the same time it's kind of fun because I get to like choose the appliances I want and actually design the place I'm living at. I want to hang up a curtain over the big window, but not really a real curtain. More like some fabric I bought from Joann's just because I kind of want a little more privacy. The blinds don't really hide like everything and it's a studio so it's like...what if I'm changing and someone happens to walk by at the right angle? That and also part of the window won't close all the way, so I want to try to blockade any cold air. I managed to be able to close it for the most part this morning after having it open the whole night with high winds blowing everything around outside. The blinds were kind of going real crazy up until I put up this old Nordstrom dress bag to act kind of like a "curtain" for that one part. I kind of want something less ghetto-tastic though because it just looks sad.
I've noticed that this new place also has much better insulation than my old place cuz no matter how cold it is outside, it's always cozy when I come in. =D
I also ordered some stuff online. I decided to straight up get a kotatsu and the blanket for it just because I hate cold and I figured it'd be useful to me ANYWAY considering I like having a table to sit at in front of the TV and eat at. XD I just do it anyway, so I was like "Eh, why not?" Plus, my friend Ceece said if I got one, she'd come over all the time to use it.
I also got a noren because I wanted one that was blue (I have a yellow maneki neko one) and I want one to separate the living room from the kitchen so that it's harder to look in through the kitchen window and see what stuff I have in the living room. It's pretty, but it's kind of more of a safety measure than anything else. I live in a fairly safe neighborhood, but my kitchen window's facing the wide open drive way, so I don't want people looking in and thinking "Ooh, this person his this...and that...and ooh..." and then think about breaking in and robbing me. So then if I can obscure their vision into my apartment, then I'm all for it. Plus it's a chance to add a decorative touch to the room.
I still need to get another drawer set to put clothes in. Most of my clothes I don't use anymore because it's like weekend clothes and I work now, so I have a different wardrobe set that's used frequently. I still try to use my other clothes as much as I can when I'm lounging at home because it's more comfortable, but sometimes when you come home you just want to plop down. But yah, need to get a new drawer thingy for clothes. I was going to get it today, but after I had two armfuls of stuff from Sears and Joann's, I decided it'd be better to go home than walk around with that crap on my arm at Target. Granted I could've probably used the drawer thing I got to take everything home, but I just didn't think I could make it over there. D= Plus if the wheels melted just like my laundry cart did, it'd suck cuz I'd be stranded. My laundry cart, btw, I need to get a replacement for, but the one I had was falling apart anyway because the joints weren't screwed together so everytime I hit a bump in the pavement it'd come undone.
I also need to get a table of some sort for the kitchen. Not really to eat at since I plan on eating in the living room, but I kind of need more room for like....food preparation staging. I have very limited counter space. The counter space I do have kind of dips into the sink, so I kind of want to get a supplementary table where I can do like cutting and to put my kitchen knives and stuff like that.
Oh, and I need to get a pitcher Brita filter for water. Because I definitely need an endless supply of beverage. I actually took the faucet filter I was sharing with my roomies, but the sink here doesn't like it. D= Well, it doesn't have the kind that screws on in a way that'll make it work. I need to get an adapter to make that work, so I need a trip to the hardware store or just get a pitcher and I can give the filter to a friend. The hardware store's farther than Target though, so I'm tempted to just get the dumb pitcher. >.> That and they have breast cancer pink pitchers. Well, that or if I can figure out how to get the stupid plastic thing out of the current filter, then maybe I can do it. I can't seem to get it out though. D= It's stuck.
Other than that, I want to just add a little bit of color by putting up some of my posters. Mostly the two framed ones of Psycho le Cemu and Miyavi. I probably won't put up any wall scrolls or other stuff I've accumulated over the years (seriously, I haven't bought a wall scroll since my first year of college). If I did decide to put something else up, it'd probably be a bluish wall scroll just to fit with the theme. The posters I have of PLC and Miyavi are also both bluish, but again, framed. The PLC one is the free promo one I got from CDJapan for the release of Michi no Sora and the Miyavi one is the blue Oresama movie poster. Now I think if I could get bluish posters of AnCafe and Suzuki Tatsuhisa my place would be super awesome. Or maybe a blue poster of UVERworld or Kagrra,. They MUST BE BLUE though and I have to get them framed. Framed posters just add a touch of class and adult-ness to them no matter what the content. I have a decor theme going on. My bathroom's even super blue. My kitchen, the only thing I could do to blue it up was get blue cookware. I'm figuring maybe the table I get can have a blue table cloth or maybe in the future I can get a curtain or something for the kitchen window too.
Y'know, I love the carpet here too because it's so comfy. After walking around and doing lifting and all kinds of stuff, it's very relaxing to put my feet on.
I have a net for my stuffed animals too, but it looks like I don't have a place to hang it here. There just doesn't seem to be a good corner for that. I guess I'll have to figure something out for them because I can't have all of them on my bed since my bed's right next to the window of privacy violation so if they like lean against the blinds, they'll like give the whole world the ability to peek in. T_T I'll still have a couple with me, but yah.
Quizzles & Survey
Okay....weird.
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
5. Now look at what time it actually is:
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
9. What are you wearing?
10. Did you dream last night?
11. When did you last laugh?
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
13. Seen anything weird lately?
14. What do you think of this quiz?
15. What is the last film you saw?
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
19. Do you like to dance?
20. George Bush:
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test... Back and Forth
So I'm between places right now. Most of my stuff is at my new place and I can't say I've really unpacked. I decided to take a break today from that and do laundry so that I can do stuff like have clothes to go to work in for the rest of the week.
Apparently I type too fast for my laptop's keyboard because sometimes it misses keys I KNOW I hit. Goddamn.
Anyway, so I'm also between two places, because new place doesn't have internet yet. Internets will come on Saturday, which means during the week I'm trying to unpack and try to make room and set up stuff so that everything will be ready for Mr. Cable Internets Dude.
Also, the lack of internet is also contributing to the lack of updates in my charts for this week since I am without a computer to consistently play music all day. (I leave that to the desktop).
I've also been playing zOMG! on Gaia cuz I'm addicted. Plus the trick or treating event gave me so many good rings that I wanted. How could I pass up using them?
My new place is nice though~ I'm really happy with it, but I just got to unpack and get those pesky boxes out of the way. I got a new set of pots and pans and I have dishes from before. The only thing left to get is like a new cabinet thingy for clothes, a table for the kitchen and maybe a kotatsu if not a coffee table for the area in front of my TV.
My friend's taking me to this Asian association event in December that's kind of fancy shmancy, so I need to find me a new dress maybe. At least one that fits me now considering I spend so much time in an office and yeah....>.> Lack of exercise.
Work is fine and we have our company Christmas party later on that same week in December. Only it's on the Queen Mary. O.o I asked my friend to pick me up from the event ASAP so that I don't have to dawdle too long on the haunted ship.
Packing & Stuff
Okay, so I haven't written anything in a little while, so I just felt like maybe I should write something.
So I'm packing right now to move into my new place. It's literally like one block away from where I currently live, but it's just really convenient around here. The main street is like a block away and it has EVERYTHING you could possibly need and fairly frequent bus lines that go up and down it.
Since I'm packing now though, I'll probably be posting and then editing repeatedly.
I've been kind of perusing around last.fm and mixi's music thinger lately and I noticed that I'm pretty much the only person in the world that likes both Tatsuhisa and Miyavi. ROFLMAO I think it's due partly to what I've heard. I'd heard that in Japan anime fans and VK fans actually don't really get along with each other whereas in America there's an overlap. But then also my charts in general are all over the place other than listening to an obscene amount of Miyavi and Tatsuhisa's music. XD Everything else besides them is like all over the place although them as my top two is also kind of all over the place. I dunno, I guess that kind of is just attributed to my philosophy that music is expression and to me, I think the human experience has a lot to express. You can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to or the music they sing, but then a lot of people lean toward one way or another. That's understandable. Even with my eclectic tastes, I tend to lean more in the direction of rock. At the same too, I don't really believe in being exclusive to my music tastes. I either like it or I don't, but I'll give anything a try. It doesn't make sense to me to be prejudiced about music because if it reaches you, then no matter what genre it is, it doesn't matter. Because of that, I can appreciate artists like Miyavi that don't really have a genre. I find it to just be the most pure and the most expressive because you don't restrain your creativity to just one thing. You make music for the sake of making music.
I had a dream with my Dad in it again last night. It was kind of strange because I dreamt I was living with him in this...I guess apartment complex, but it was kind of a hotel and my grandma owned it, which is weird because she doesn't do things like that. Even weirder was that when I woke up I realized I'd dreamed of the same hotel the night before, only AX was being held there. So then when I woke up, it was WTF. XD
Mixi Update
XD Today I got bored this morning and decided to update my mixi profile and change my nickname on there. I haven't really changed my profile on it in like 2 years, so it was kind of time for me to update it. It's kind of a more serious take too because my jikoshoukai actually talks about my dreams. I'm actually proud of myself for actually still being able to express myself in Japanese despite using English everyday at work. I don't know how clearly I was able to do it and it's probably a little choppy since I'm kind of bad at conjunctive words like varying different words for but and and so that it doesn't seem repetitive, but I think it gets across what I wanted to say.
My dreams are kind of complicated, I guess. They're important though and deep. There's a lot of things I really want to do in life that are just important to me. There's some things I've experienced in my own life when I was younger that I'd like any kid I might have in the future to not experience. A lot of things I do revolve around the fact that I want to have children one day and I have since I was little. My dream and the meaning in it comes from that too because I want them to have a better future than what I had available to me. Even if I was more beautiful and didn't have the traumatic things that happened to me happen to me, at least in this country the kind of success that are available to other groups would not have been available to me without the loss of my dignity and self-respect. Even as I am now, I have to be careful about motive when I'm around people that aren't Asian also. I don't think I'm the prettiest girl there is, but I have been told I'm cute or okay by some people, so maybe average or plain Jane? Even with just that though, I get an annoying amount of attention from people who look at me and think that I'll just fawn over them because they're some "brave white guy". As if. I don't really want to make a huge deal out of it. It's just...I want things to be closer to being truly equal and for my kids to be able to go through less of this. I want them to be able to be seen as human beings and equal. I don't want them to be treated like they're an exotic toy or something like that.
I changed my nickname on there though. I kind of wanted something that sounded prettier in Japanese. I love my Chinese name, but the katakana-ized reading for it just doesn't seem as pretty as when I say it in Cantonese. So then I took the root character that carries most of the meaning in my name and used it to create another name in Japanese that has the same meaning, but sounds better. I'm still going to use Yilei in most places especially English places, but I just wanted to change it on mixi just because I think it's prettier to use that one there.
There's 3 different readings for the main character I chose too, but I decided to choose the one that's closest to the one I use with my Chinese name. All 3 readings though are all feasibly legitimate possible readings although one sounds more odd than the other two.
Miscellaneous Events
Okay, well, first I want to start out by bitching about my router. Well, technically it's my roommate's but lately it's just been so much more retarded than usual. Like suddenly it keeps disconnecting me like ALL THE TIME. It wasn't like this a couple of weeks ago, but it just started this recently. It makes me want to punch it in the face.
Other than that, I'll be moving next Saturday. Well, I'll start moving stuff in. I think I'll probably only have time for small things depending on how much shit I can pack this weekend and how much I can figure out stuff with my current roomies about how we're dividing stuff. It's a landmark though because I'll be completely on my own for the first time. No sharing things or anything, but completely independent. It's kind of nice. I mean, one day I'd want to get married and live with my husband, but it's kind of nice and remarkable to get to the point in your life where you're self-sufficient. O_O It's kind of an amazing adventure.
But yah, anyway, tomorrow I'll be starting packing starting with stuff I probably won't touch for the remainder of my time here. CDs for instance. I'll probably spend the morning hours of Saturday doing some encoding of a couple of CDs I didn't get around to and loading up my ZEN, but after that, that stuff's going in a box.
I think my Ouran DVD's coming in the mail too, so I'll probably leave one open DVD box just so I can shove that in there when I get it and then use the box I get it in for something else.
Well, also, I've set a couple of short term goals for myself that may or may not somehow lead me to my dream job, but for now they're fine and good enough. I'll be able to keep my current position and work and pay off my loans, but then it'll get me some exposure into the direction I want to go to. During this process, I also found out I have like 8 vacation days at work. XD Those roll over to following years, so part of my plan is that I'm planning to go on a trip for myself in some future year and go on a concert spree. Gotta save up and stuff though. I figure though, that at least for now, as a short term goal, saving up for a trip is probably the best thing I can do right now. Just one step at a time, y'know? It's a really minor step, but I think it's an important one to try to get myself more informed at least. And maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to catch someone after a one-man or something and they'll listen to me about my dream and hook me up somehow. Not likely, but from what I know from my friend Mayumi who spent her free time while on exchange going to 50 billion concerts was that sometimes you can chill with the members after a concert. This is typical with like smaller bands and it can be helpful. Some of the smaller bands also know people that are more well-known, and besides that, at this point anything helps. The field I want to go into is kind of a new area in general, so any little thing helps and will create change. Well, also, with the state of the country in this area as it is right now, being able to do ANYTHING in the field that I want will be an accomplishment that's beneficial to the future I want for my future children and their kids.
Plus, I'm just curious how things might play out in general. I've been wondering whether it's better for me to support many artists that maybe have talent, but aren't necessarily striving for meaning, but their presence internationally would be very welcome and helpful in accomplishing the future I want to help create by translating OR if I want to work for (an) artist(s) or band(s) that I personally believe in and have my faith in because I think they're deep and have vision and I want to support their message specifically even if maybe they're only mediocre in success. Either way, it'd be helping to create my dream in some way, but I think the latter example, I would be able to do more of my best work because I personally believe in the person whose career I'm trying to help.
But yah, I dunno how well that'll work out. XD If I get there though and do the concert thing, at least I have a greater chance because I'll be in the vicinity of the people I want to help. At least by being there, my chances are greater than staying here. It won't necessarily be that I'll be able to accomplish what I want, but if I don't do *something* then I definitely won't accomplish anything. Besides, if nothing else, I'll have fun just being there enjoying the music and checking things out.
For sure, I have to do a few tourist-y things. I mean, it's something I *want* to do, but also I have an educational background in the history and in the construction and so on, so it's kind of really meaningful for me to actually see it in person. The trouble is narrowing down the cities because otherwise I'd probably have to sell and arm and a leg to go to all of the places I really want to go to. I think one of the places though would have to be a semi-pilgrimage to that statue of Kwun Yum just because she's my family's god and I feel like I owe her. I guess I'm semi-superstitious like that, but I dunno, if there's any chance she had a role in helping me to find Tatsuhisa and helping me to remember to keep striving for my dream and to not give up and to help me through the tough time with my Dad, I think it's kind of worth it just to pay her a little visit.
I know it's just probably coincidence, but Tatsuhisa's music really did do a lot for me the past few months to keep me going and help me relax. Hearing his story was kind of convenient too since I was feeling kind of lost after Dad was gone and I was kind of wondering anyway how I'd be able to do the job change and if I'd trapped myself. Somehow or another, he's kind of like a constant reminder to me that you can make things the way you want somehow. I mean, he kind of did a lot of things that were kind of drastic for the sake of his own career and what he felt comfortable doing. It's kind of a bold move to initiate changing of managers and like refusing to do certain things that people want you to do especially in the kind of industry he's in where there's things that work and sometimes you kind of have to REALLY whore yourself out to get ahead. Like for instance I was watching this old PV of when Kato Keisuke was in PureBoys since I've gotten into tokusatsu shows and he's playing Nago now, which kind of makes him cool, BUT back when he was in PureBoys, he looked like he hated his life in the PVs. Like he thoroughly looked way less than enthusiastic and like he was thinking "Oh, man I can't wait until this shit is over so that I don't ever have to do this crap again." He kind of always has a kind of "pissy" face on him, but for some reason in those PVs, my friends and I just watch it and think he REALLY looked like he hated his life. ROFLMAO Well, also, I kind of wonder since he kind of looks like he's like in his mid-late 20s, but when we looked up his age, he's actually EXACTLY 20 years old. My friends and I were like "WHAT THE HELL?" Apparently he aged really badly.
But anyway, for Tatsuhisa, in some ways he still is doing some whoring, you can say, but at the same time, just looking at the parts he's gotten recently and the fact that he seems to be sticking hard fast to what he wanted to do musically, I think it's kind of remarkable and impressive to take a stand and just kind of...cut it off and say "I won't do this" and just not take just ANYTHING you get offered. Like he's been doing the fanservice-y female audience type of things up the wazoo, which is fine and necessary I understand, but at the same time he's been pretty consistently accepting roles that actually have NAMES. It might not necessarily be the main, but it's not like miscellaneous extra D. And then musically, it's really easy to get popular by being an idol and just doing whatever kind of shit people give you, but it's really bold to also reject that kind of thing when you don't have a very strong musical background yourself to do things WITHOUT those people either. He hasn't really done anything that's COMPLETELY drastic, but it's just enough to put him in a place that's at least more comfortable and more toward what he wants. I just look at that and think that maybe I can do something like that too. It's not like I hate my job, but it's not really what I want. I like the experience I'm getting with dealing with people, public, customers, and a bunch of stuff, but it's not really what I want to do. I appreciate Kwun Yum for helping me to land this job to help me take care of myself as well. My Mom though wants me to settle in and try to work on an upward career within the company, but that's not really my plan either. I still want to translate and do what I want to do, but I just don't know how exactly to do it. But from what I feel like I've learned from Tatsuhisa is that you can set aside *something* for yourself that gets you more toward where you want to go. So then that's why I've decided to set up the small goals. I figure that maybe after I do my concert binge, I'll be able to have a bit more of the experience necessary to join this one organization that me and my friend Ceece were thinking about joining that's for supporting Asians in Entertainment. I don't think I would've been able to come up with even this small bit if I didn't find out about him. I was really feeling kind of discouraged for a bit and depressed with the other things going on. I was thinking about maybe giving up really, but I'm glad I didn't yet. It might not amount to much, but it just makes me feel better about doing something to just try. I kind of wish I had more freedom in regards to my health though because that's my main concern. Still, the past few months that I've been listening and mourning, I really feel have been kind of cathartic. It's painful, but I wouldn't change it for the world. So then, if maybe Kwun Yum had any part in it, I want to pay respects to her and thank her.
Well, also, there's "Girls, be ambitious" and "Don't Hesitate & Go". ^.~ Miyavi's still tops to the end. He might not have been able to help me recently, but Miyavi made me realize the path I want to take in life.
Also the other day I realized that my Dad was ALSO a Scorpio considering his birthday's late October. XD It makes me wonder if part of my interest is that I feel a similar "sense" to what I got from my Dad.
And yes, I believe I do have a bit of a father complex. It's complicated though. I think understandably so considering he'd always help me when I was little and my Mom went on her crazy spree of unreasonable abuse and treatment of a small child. My Mom's neurosis never really stops either and it's part of the reason why I live so far away from her. I can't really stand to be so close to her for too long. When I go home for visits, I stay at my grandma's just because when I actually stay with my Mom, it doesn't take long for her to come up with some crazy and completely stupid idea that pisses me the fuck off because she's a small-minded moron. I remember when I was in middle school, she told me I should only marry someone that was born in America because if I married anyone that was born overseas, they'd treat me like a slave and would probably hit me. While that might be true for some people, you can't just BLANKET ASSUME it's GOING to happen. It's such a vast and drastic over-generalization that it pisses me off. Plus, even if I DID marry someone American, she'd still have some BS to say about them as long as the guy wasn't one of the commonly known Asian groups, white, and a doctor or an engineer. I've already decided that even if I DID marry a doctor or an engineer, I still wouldn't tell her about him or invite her to the wedding or the reception just because she'll find SOMETHING to complain about and piss me off. On a day like that, I don't want shit like that to happen, so I'm just going to leave her out of it.
So yeah, a lot going on for me and I have some goals that I'm working on that are just...something. It's kind of a new field, so there's a lot of ways to possibly go about it. I probably won't have good luck until after 2009 either according to Chinese cycles, so I can just use that year for working.
As a kind of entertainment side goal, I also want to work toward getting a PS3 and an American Wii and maybe an Xbox just to play Unlimited Undiscovery. XD I hope I can get a raise at work when my review comes up. I'm a good worker and I got praise from this one lady I work with that's on the East coast. She sent my boss a glowing letter and my boss said it makes him happy too because he hired me, so he feels like he hit gold. XD YAY. At least it shows that I can work well. It also shows that I can learn because I started this job knowing pretty much NOTHING about what I was getting into, but now I'm very reliable. =D And I volunteer to learn new things. So I hope that means I get paid more. At least a couple of more dollars an hour.
Miyavi's Haircut
So Miyavi posted a pic of his new haircut without hair extensions on his MySpace. I just have to share it because well....you'll see.
And once again, HE HAS SIMILAR HAIR TO TATSUHISA. I have no idea why, but for some reason it makes me REALLY HAPPY to see my two favorite boys in the entire world looking similar to each other. I don't know what this says about me or anything. Do I really like this hair? Do I really like their similarities? Both of them are musically serious in their own way with Miyavi following his own dream and trying to knock down barriers in the world and stuff and getting out his expression to the world. Tatsuhisa's trying to do his best with his career, but musically he wants to express more of himself honestly in his music rather than do it on the side as a hobby and be more like an idol singer that just sings whatever he's handed. I appreciate both of them on a fundamental level in this way by trying to display meaning in their careers and music, so somehow it gives me some kind of giddy joy to see them look visually similar.
In other news, I've been doing a few small updates here and there. Mostly to update my age since I haven't had a layout change for any of my blogs in 3 years, so they all still say I'm 22. XD Clearly not the truth.
I was also looking around on google for both of them at the same time. Apparently I'm the only person in the entire world that likes BOTH of them. Most people are one or the other. ROFLMAO And I mean, REALLY like both. Most Miyavi lovers that have Tatsuhisa on their playlists only have his theme songs for Sukisho, Tide Line Blue, and Kimi to Study. Apparently I'm the only person to delve into his other solo work that hasn't been related to any kind of theme song and into his other projects. I find this funny. I'm not really sure why, but I guess it's like a testament to my word that music is expression and that I am an eclectic person as most people tend to section themselves off in various ways into subgenres and subcultures. For myself, I just like good music and I like what I listen to. It has nothing to do with groups or fanbases or where things are from. I just find good music from anywhere and I enjoy it.
Other than that, my cough is really pissing me off. I WANT IT TO STOP. I want my body to kick this fucking virus' ass already so that I can stop coughing uncontrollably. If it wasn't for the fact that I'd probably die and be completely voiceless, I'd want to rip my own throat out and step on it I'm so pissed off at it right now.
Survey Thinger
Got this off deviant art.
001. Real name - My full name's a secret. I don't mind people knowing my first name though.
FIRSTS:
CURRENTLY:
YOUR FUTURE:
WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
HAVE YOU EVER:
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: A Lot of Writing
Damn, I guess I did a lot of writing this past month. XD I didn't expect to have to archive the last page so soon.
I've just been doing a lot of thinking this past month too. I guess for good reason also since I'd been keeping so much locked in since January. I dunno, most people don't really read blogs and they're kind of annoying when they show up on search engines, but then somehow, I think this is like...my little voice in the universe. When people don't listen or can't listen, at least I can have some place somewhere where I can express myself where maybe someone can happen upon it and understand.
I also kind of wonder if maybe the people I write about like Miyavi google themselves randomly and find it by chance. I'd just think that'd be completely hilarious. XD I certainly don't expect that to happen or that my opinion really means anything to them, but I'd find it hilarious and I'd be thoroughly amused if they did think I had something valid to say or if they were touched by my words in some way.
I dunno, I don't really expect that everyone would agree with my opinions or anything, but I really think I try to be fair and to try to think soundly. I mean, I like things to make sense and when other people's thinking seems illogical or inconsiderate or even stupid, that's the only time I really object. But that's something that's reasonable, isn't it? It's kind of an indicator of some kind of fallacy or possibly denial. I try to keep these kinds of things out of my thinking and out of myself and it's a good thing to try to do that, but at the same time I do it because I'm a Leo and I like to be right.
Sometimes I think people don't really understand the Leo kind of personality. Leo's don't like to make up falsehoods or do shady things like that and it's not really that they're arrogant or anything. They just like to be right and they don't play with the facts or anything like that. No, they go out of their way to check and double check their research so that they just ARE right. Leos don't like being caught not at the top of their game, so they go out of their way to make sure that they ARE at the top and that they are always right. When we aren't, we feel shame and we'll reluctantly concede defeat, but this rarely happens.
But yah, anyway, with that reluctance, that's also how we admit things. >.> I've admitted a few things here like that too, but you have to read between the lines for them. Leos like to use a lot of circumlocution when revealing their faults or things that they're not necessarily proud of. But then also if it's really bad for their image, they'll stop completely -- again, because they like to be right.
I dunno, I bring this latter thing up just because lately I've been in a kind of introverted "dreamy" kind of state lately. It doesn't seem like it's really bad for me, and it's helped me to somehow renew some of my life goals and to come up with some kind of a plan, although it's short term and as a short term plan, it might not amount to much. At the same time though, it'll at least give me some experience in the right direction toward my dream job.
It's not like I don't like my current job, but it's mainly to pay the bills and stuff. I was also thinking that in order for me to really follow my dream completely, I'd need to have a husband that can help me with my meds if my immediate job can't help me. But before I end up quitting my job, I think I should just set aside some smaller goals like studying for and signing up for the JLPT, getting a license, get my passport, and working up some vacation time and stuff so that I can go on a vacation. Small goals, but definitely stuff I can work on while I'm trying to work things up and get to the point where I can change jobs and also have my loans paid off completely. Hopefully, I can get a raise at work too for all of my hard work to help me out.
Personality Quiz
Take it Here
Your view on yourself:
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
The seriousness of your love:
Your views on education:
The right job for you:
How do you view success:
What are you most afraid of:
Who is your true self: |
