0 dew drop(s) on this blossom

Future
Thursday, Dec. 16, 2010 10:00 p.m.

I have a lot on my mind I need to think about, but at the same time I've been getting really restless and end up doing something that like stimulates my brain and distracts me from actually thinking.

Anyway though, I quit my job since I last wrote. A lot of stuff happened and I was good at what I did and I was pretty content doing it, but then when we got really busy I started to feel like the assistance and understanding being provided to me was imbalanced, and unfair. Not that I really think any one person was a bad person or anything, and maybe I could have done more to express what I needed, but at the same time I think I felt like it didn't matter what I said and no matter what I said, they would come up with some rationalization just to make me do what they wanted even though it was completely unnecessary and inefficient. Thus is corporate America. =/ I was fine doing that for awhile, but with the increasing stress and unhappiness not really so much from being busy, but more from the lack of actual unbiased assistance, I started feeling like going back to what I originally wanted to do with my life. I'm young enough that I can still go after it and what I was doing had nothing to do with what I actually want to do with my life.

Anyway, alongside that I also got results of this test that I had to take because something on this scan I had done looked strange and there was a possibility of cancer, so they wanted me to have further tests. I had the further test done, and basically the cells that were there are potentially cancerous. Not definitely so, but enough of a concern for the doctor to recommend surgery. Yay. I have no insurance either, so I had to apply for COBRA so that I could get insurance to pay for the bulk of it. I'll probably only take two months worth and then drop it. But at the same time, I ALSO got the bill for the test that found the potential cancer cells. So altogether, my medical expenses are over $1000. Awesome.

And well, for the surgery, it would still probably have to be an overnight thing and that scares the shit out of me. I don't really like hospitals especially after my Dad died since he passed away in one. It's scary in there, so I'm pretty apprehensive about it.

Other than that, I've been going on some museum trips with Serena to get some culture into our lives. Last week we went to this like lecture discussion thing called Active Cultures that brought together guest speakers of two different disciplines in cultural activity and they talk about their field and then we have a Q&A where we try to draw conclusions about how they're related. Last week's was the second one I've been too, but it was kind of interesting because it brought together a Chinese American film maker who made mostly documentary films about different aspects of the Chinese American experience like the Forbidden City nightclub in San Francisco. The other guest speaker was one of the co-editors and founders of Giant Robot magazine, who seems to have a rather fascinating life and is active in highlighting various Asian activities and stars.

Then yesterday we went to a lecture and film screening on Super no Onna and talked a bit about the idea of wa-gyu vs imported beef, the success of large markets like Wal-Mart and Costco, the importation of overseas products into Japan and the restrictions placed on them, the idea of customers being guests, quality vs price, and so on.

Like for the beef fetishism, like the lecturer that was there said it was up for dispute, but quite honestly I live here in America and I don't think that's an illusion of any sort. There are absolutely terrible health standards when it comes to our meat, but I choose to try to forget about it so that I can enjoy life and eating. If I worry too much about all the places I could be getting cancer, I'd have a miserable cranky life. My Year of Meats points out some alleged accusations considering it is a fictional depiction, but it has some researched facts that Ruth Ozeki herself had found in an effort to elaborate on her story. The information she found was incredibly shocking though and while they were only alleged accusations, there's plenty of other documentary evidence in other places about the sanitation issues with where the animals that become our food are kept. Quite frankly, it's gross and inhumane. The animals can't be happy in close quarters with one another with barely any room to walk around and basically living in their own filth. Some animals even have odd growths and like external tumors on them or are just plain sick and they STILL go to slaughter, and of course our cows have mad cow because people have been FEEDING cow brains back to their living cattle. Plus, in Ozeki's book specifically, there was the practice of feeding D.E.S. or diethylstilbestrol to livestock in an attempt to force them to mature faster so that here is a quicker turn around for meat slaughter. It's a hormone supplement that is basically overloading with estrogen to promote development and weight gain and in days past used to be thought to help pregnant mothers to take their babies to term. However, the usage of the drug was used incredibly irresponsibly resulting in children more highly susceptible to birth defects, cancer, and infertility. Supposedly the affects from chickens and then to the humans that ate them were much more severe, and the use on any livestock is now considered to be illegal, but is supposedly still in practice. I remember seeing a TV show when I was in about second grade about a small child that was affected by this. She was only 2 or 3 years old, but already had a developed body. A baby shouldn't have a body like that. Kids grow up too quickly to begin with. Stuff like that shouldn't happen. Reading Ozeki's book initially though reminded me of some memories of my own development, which put into question in my mind how much of the meat I ate growing up was actually safe for consumption. But yeah, compared to the problems we have here, there is nothing about the Japanese way of raising livestock that makes me think it is not safe to eat. Although I question the passage of the measure over assistance for children's hospitals, I am glad that we got free range chicken voted into law because of this. It probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal to most Americans, but how can you expect to have a healthy family if you are feeding your family contaminated food products? It's not so much that the chickens are happy (although that helps), but it's that the chickens and their eggs are healthier and more fit to be eaten.

Going on from there is the idea of quality vs price and well also customer service. A lot of Japanese stores are known for having more customer service and also the quality and freshness of the food is more reliable. It wasn't just something touched on in the movie, but something I actually experience too. In the town I live in there's the generic grocery stores that regular Americans shop at and then since there's a lot of Japanese in my area, there's several Marukai and a Mitsuwa. All of which sell food, which is a bit more pricey, but is definitely quality products. It's no illusion or anything either because everything I have bought from them always lasts longer in my fridge than anything I have ever bought from Albertson's. Especially strawberries. I love strawberries, but I don't always want to eat them all right away. But the ones I've gotten from American grocery stores would often go bad within a day or two whereas the ones I've gotten from Japanese markets would keep longer until I got a chance to eat them. Because of this, my friends and I actually prefer to go to the Japanese markets for produce and meat just because it's more reliable and fits with our schedules better since I don't have to worry about cooking or preparing all of my food in the next day or two. I don't care if it's a little bit more expensive, it's more cost effective to not have to throw anything away and plus it's safer to eat and I'm more confident I won't get food poisoning from it. Plus, I remember a statistical survey that I read about in an article when I was a sophomore in high school that stated that Japanese consumers tend to pay more for safer products whereas American consumers tend to only go for the cheap deal. I guess you get what you pay for then, now don't you?

As for the importation of overseas products, like the lecturer that was there touched on a point that food safety is much more strictly regulated in Japan, so it can be kind of troublesome for some companies to market their products there just because they may have to change their recipe in order to comply with safety regulations. For me, I think this explains why their KFC and McDonald's doesn't taste like death on wheels. Like the grease content seems to be a lot less. Fast food in general isn't really healthy for you to begin with, but when I had it there, I didn't feel like a fat slouch afterward from all of the grease. Plus I've had some Chinese friends tell me about how the really good boba is actually banned because of the high starch content, which I believe and supposedly there isn't really good boba there. My old roomie tried some out there and it was disappointing.

As for the success of the giant megamarts, they haven't been that successful there, but then I think you'd have to think about the circumstances that people live in. The lecturer attributed it to convenience stores and home delivery. While that might be true too, I would also attribute it to the fact that buying in bulk like at Costco and many products for cheap like at Wal-Mart usually requires the use of a car. Owning a car there is incredibly expensive. And I'm not talking about just insurance or anything. It costs a ridiculous amount just to TAKE YOUR LICENSE TEST. I think my memory is like screwing up on me or something when we asked our friend Eri how much it cost. I think my brain like tuned out after the shock and now I can't remember what exactly she said, but I'm pretty sure she said what was the approximate equivalent of $1000 to take your test. That's a "If you fuck up your test, I will kill you" price. That probably promotes safer drivers too, but unless you live somewhere that doesn't have much public transportation that you can't survive in with just a bike, you probably don't even need a car to begin with. Plus I'd imagine that the land available for a large store like that is quite limited, so you'd probably have to travel either by train or car and if you don't have a car, it'd be a pain in the ass to take things back. I'd also like to bring up another point that I saw by observation, but in Tokyo itself when I was in Shibuya, the train station has its own super market. If you're already at the train station from wherever you traveled for the day, isn't it more convenient to just go to the market at the train station to pick up what's for dinner since you're already there? That probably doesn't apply to all of the localities there, but I'm fairly certain it doesn't help.

But yah, anyway, I'm doing all these things to try to work on myself and to try to become a more well-rounded and cultured person. I like going out too, but it's just I like learning things. Before the viewing of the film too, we were checking out the gallery since the screening was at Royal T. There was some fascinating pieces there though like this one like diorama made out of a shopping bag. The artist cut the tree out of the shopping bag and then pulled the tree and leaves down to create a free standing tree. The bags were put on their sides for the diorama effect so that you looked into the bag. Also, Disney has a special event going on with them tonight that I'm not going to for TRON. It started the year before I was born, so I totally missed that boat from just being a baby. Disney had a special TRON shop set up in advance though that we went to go look at. It had some cool, but very expensive, stuff in there. Like one pair of $750 Oakley special TRON sunglasses. *cough* GOOD GOD THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

And then..."someone" had his band's PV put up the other day. It sounds like a great song, but it sounds like the verses are in English because they sure as hell don't sound like Japanese, but he still has a heavy accent, so I can't quite make out what the hell he's saying. Like the same part that was in the preview I can make out clearly, but not really the rest of it. o.oa At least not a full complete thought. A word here and there I think I hear right, but yeah. Great try though and I'm happy for him for doing so well. The song composition is interesting because it starts off with a string orchestral instrumental and DJ scratches itself gradually into more ferocity with guitar strumming and other instruments until it turns into a full on rock song with screaming and hard awesomeness. A very interesting and classy transition that I appreciate because it combines different genres you don't think would go together. It also has a very atypical composition in that most songs are like A melo, B melo, verse, A melo, B melo, maybe a C, alternate version of chorus, etc. It's usually just mixed up only slightly and the basic pattern is like verses, chorus, verses, chorus, maybe repeat chorus. This song totally breaks that pattern in that there isn't really a set chorus or anything anywhere. It's like an actual poem where it's a stream of several stanzas that cleverly transition to the next with different music. It seems really meaningful lyrically too, so I'd like to really take a good look at the lyrics when the album finally comes out so that I can see what his accent is hiding from me. Like seriously. I asked my other friends to check it out for me and they can't really make it out either. This is the most we think we could make out but we could be wrong "Love something something we're friends something". I'm really not being critical about it because it's a growing point and it's something that happens to a lot of artists. I love Miyavi and he's great at English now, but even like way back when he was starting out he had terrible English and in "Jingle Bell (Kari", terrible French. It's just something that will be improved on over time, but right now, he's not yet there. The end of the PV he looks just so passionate though that it's just a remarkable sight to see. I hope I get to take the album with me when I have my surgery. It should help keep me calm. ....And I think I need to rip the PV audio just so I can examine it and give it a closer listen. EDIT: I did and I could hear a few more words, but I'm not certain if I heard them right. I think he really wants to reach someone though.

Other than that, yeah work. Trying to find new work or apply to grad school. Still trying to put everything together for that. I'm looking into different options though and we'll see where I end up. I hope I live long enough to see my dream come to fruition. Wish me luck.

I've also been kind of thinking of other aspects of my future. Like I remember when I was little I really wanted to get married and have a family, but then I'm not sure if that will really happen. Like there's the cancer and then there's just not finding anyone. Along with that though, I've kind of been engrossed in period drama films and like other things. Like I saw one film about Queen Victoria and like it was really cute and I read up on the actual history afterward. Like there was a lot of like propriety and like formalities, but the relationship between her and Albert was kind of interesting and they worked together. When Albert died she had his clothes laid out everyday as if he was still there and she wore black everyday afterward and became like a ghost. I just thought it was amazing to just love someone that much. And even when he was alive Albert did so much for his wife even though he was pretty sick himself when her Mom died and Victoria was heartbroken to find out how much her mother actually cared for her despite how much their relationship was filled with conflict.

And then also, I bought and re-watched Inception. There's so much to talk about with that movie. Like there's the obvious with the dreams and stuff and the idea of subconscious espionage, but then one of the sweet things was the love that Cobb had for his wife. He loved her so much that he couldn't let her go and nearly made a prison for himself in his own subconscious. It's interesting to think about you know? Loving someone so much that you have a permanent re-creation of them in your mind and close yourself off in a world where you re-visit your memories with them over and over to just have a piece of them and a piece of the answer as to why everything turned out so badly and why they left. She's somewhat of an antagonistic figure in the film, but in such a beautiful way.

Also, I mentioned Lady Gaga in the last post I made here. One of my favorite songs of hers is "Bad Romance" which I'm sure many people are sick of hearing, but it's an interesting song. Supposedly the song and PV together are about a relationship with the music industry and trying to maneuver your way through it to be successful while keeping your dignity, which I can kind of see how that could be a bad romance of sorts since a job can be about the same as an abusive relationship when you're really stressed out and your company asks to much of you with little reward. So then if a music job is like a bad boyfriend or girlfriend if they force you into doing things that you don't necessarily want to do because it sells or they won't let you compose your own work, then yeah it's a lot like a bad romance. But then if they have something that you want, then you stick with it and take the good with the bad because that's how the world works and you try to make a comfortable place for yourself. So then I think I can see that, but to me when I first heard the song and saw the lyrics, I thought it was like an interesting spin against the over-idealized kind of happily ever after relationships we usually see. It's not necessarily a bad romance, but lyrically it's kind of like accepting the bad with the person too and still loving them. It's not ignoring it, but knowing them and still loving them and wanting to work with them. It seems like kind of a really beautiful kind of love that isn't superficial or anything at all. That's what real love is though to me. You want and love all of the sickness and troubles because you accept them as they are. This doesn't mean you don't encourage them to improve or you let them hurt you, but it's like the realization that no relationship or person is perfect and sooner or later you find out that everyone is a little nuts, but despite knowing that about a particular person, you love them nonetheless.