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Realizations of Sorts
Per my last entry, I'm absolutely OBSESSED with Samurai Sentai Shinkenger. And yes, I AM incredibly fascinated with Suzuki Shougo, but I can't help it. There's that he's cute, but more than that he's just really talented and he's so energetic, positive, naive, and adorable that you just want to support him and root for him to do well. A lot of staff members for the mags he's done interviews with made comments about the same kind of feeling and energy from him as well. And yes, admittedly, I have been following Shougo in the mags. >.> I like reading the interviews though because of his insights on Chiaki and seriously, Chiaki is getting SO MANY more growth episodes than any of the other Shinkengers that it's practically the Chiaki show, so reading some of Shougo's insights into the character is kind of interesting too.
From trying to follow Shougo though, I started to understand the world that Tatsuhisa seems to be trying to avoid right now. I was reading one of the promos he was doing about his photobook in one of the last magazine interviews he did and the nuance of it seemed like he just did it to kind of get everyone to leave him alone about it. XD I mean, he really wanted to be a seiyuu and not like an actor or an idol or anything, so it seems like he's kind of frustrated with how much non-seiyuu-like attention was being paid to his appearance. There's that nickname that he hates too and it's just interesting to see the flip side where there's this new fledgling actor that actually IS one (I mean Shougo) and finally getting to see more of that entire world that Tatsuhisa's trying to avoid. I mean, for Christ's sake there's a DVD out of real auditions of a whole bunch of male tarento including Shougo and it's like...so degrading. I found it on my google search for Shougo and I was wondering what the fuck it was. There's a trailer for it available online and I was curious and watched it for a couple of minutes trying to figure out what the hell the thing was before I got disgusted and felt sad inside and couldn't watch anymore. The trailer itself was like 10 minutes long and I think the DVD itself is like an hour. According to some Chinese chick's blog that has a bunch of scans, Shougo has like 7 minutes of footage on it. Somehow that made a part of my soul die because what amount of clips that I saw was totally degrading and I felt sad for the guys in it. Part of their audition was actually showing the lady interviewer their body with their shirt off. D= I really kind of wanted to cry out of compassion cuz I felt bad that they live in a world like that, but there's nothing they can do. It's just part of it. There's apparently like two volumes of the same for some female tarento too, but still.... It was just saddening and I think if maybe someone was trying to force Tatsuhisa into that life when he was in front of the camera more in all those mags and acting as a singer, I think I understand why he had his episode. It makes me wonder what the hell they were trying to make him do at the time cuz I heard it was around when Voice was going to come out which means it might've been a promo for the next project? If that single was already going to come out, then maybe the PV was going to be different or they were trying to pitch him an idea for the next single because the stuff for that single was all done and set and he didn't feel comfortable with it.
At the same time too, I feel really bad for Shougo because that kind of world is a fundamental part of the industry that he's actually IN. For Tatsuhisa, as a seiyuu, it isn't, so I think that's why he's been avoiding the mags lately and while he has been low on the anime activity, he's still well into various forms of seiyuu activity exclusively that don't require him to be in front of the camera. Plus I noticed that some of the behind the scenes pics he took while he was still with Otoken are technically some of the crappiest pictures of him in that it's like he purposely got lazy and didn't want to take care of himself so that he could be more of a seiyuu and people would pay less attention to his face. (Although when an attractive guy looks like crap, they don't look *that* shitty). Right before events and stuff, he'd usually try to clear up his skin more and take care of his looks though. XD
But yah, it's just...some interesting insight. A lot of the shoots that Shougo's actually been in have been pretty tame, but he's like ONE person that I'm getting the thing for. There's a bunch of other stuff in there that I'm not interested in that could actually be a bit more humiliating or degrading. There was one mag that had Miyano in it too that seemed kind of like it would be humiliating, but he's kind of a cross-media tarento and not just a seiyuu and some people are probably better able to just roll with it. Something tells me that some people were trying to drag Tatsuhisa into that, but he didn't want to because he wanted to avoid becoming one of those boys. He didn't become a seiyuu to do that stuff. The more I find out about the stuff Shougo is facing or will have to face in the future, the sadder it kind of makes me. I'm glad he got Shinkenger and that he's so happy doing it and everything, but I worry about his future.
I hope Tatsuhisa has more stuff though. Sometimes I wonder if he's discouraged or something because last year it seemed like he was trying for a lot of serious parts, but this year he hasn't gotten much although several cameos on Pokemon still. His character made his dub debut too as "Barry". O_o The name isn't that bad or anything, but for some reason it just weirds me out just because of the connection my brain has between my Dad and Tatsuhisa and "Barry" rhymes with my Dad's name, "Larry". It's kind of bittersweet and creepy. XD I really hope he ends up getting a huge breakthrough though where he can be more of a serious seiyuu and doesn't really have to do fanservicey stuff and do more of the kind of work he dreamed of doing. I mean, I get the feeling that he was thinking he'd be doing more actual voice acting for like shows with like more main parts or important parts and would inspire kids with dubs just like he was inspired when he was younger, but it hasn't really happened. He's done a lot of fanservicey parts or bit parts in anime. He's gotten some semi-significant supporting roles, but that's about it. If I were in his shoes, I think I'd feel discouraged and maybe that's why he's doing radio stuff and other things more because he actually gets to DO profound activity.
XD Funny how I'm so fascinated with Shougo and yet, I still think about Tatsuhisa through him.
On a lighter note, I made a couple of things from the mag scans I made the other day. One picture made me think that Shougo looked like a puppy in a pet shop window, so I made these:
I'm totally not really a fan of Tatsuhisa and he's more someone I respect as a human being, but I would say I probably am a fan of Shougo. XD
Samurai Sentai Shinkenger
OMG. I AM SO OBSESSED WITH THIS SHOW. It's ridiculous.
It kind of reminds me of the awesome that I thought Magiranger was, which was related to the awesome that was Sailor Moon. But this is so much better.
And ShinkenGreen is REALLY CUTE. But he's so much younger than me. D= 6 years younger than me. I guess it's not THAT bad, but it's like OMG it's like he was almost jailbait. O_o
I keep fucking playing with the mouseover on Bandai-Fashion.
http://www.bandai-fashion.jp/shinken.html
The actor that plays ShinkenGreen/Tani Chiaki is Suzuki Shougo. Shinkenger's actually his debut! O_O HOLY SHIT THAT'S A GOOD JOB TO GET ON YOUR FIRST GO. And yes, he does share the same last name as Tatsuhisa. >.> They're probably not related, but I think I only like Shougo because I *think* I see similarities between him and Tatsuhisa. Like the weird face he makes on the rollover script on the Bandai-Fashion page. I think maybe a couple of their features are similar, so I would seriously fall over laughing if I found out that they actually ARE cousins or something. I don't think they are, but I'm just saying that it'd make me laugh. Shougo's a pretty good actor for being a noob though and seriously, I've seen REALLY cheesey acting in Toku shows before. They have Shinkenger blogs and he's being interviewed left and right too and in everything he does he's just SO EXCITED to be doing it for the first time that it's just freakin' adorable. Like he talks on the official Shinkenger blog on the official website for the show about how he tries to portray Chiaki and stuff and he's like trying so hard and earnestly. It kind of reminds me of the spirit Tatsuhisa had in the songs he did earlier in his career. Now he's kind of more serious, but in a lot of his earlier songs he had this kind of passion that's different from the passion he has now. The passion back then was from the excitement of having a new experience and having a brand new opportunity and being noob and having first jobs. The staff member for HERO VISION that interviewed Shougo even said that his eyes were shining during the interview and stuff as he talked about how he was portraying Chiaki and his experience on Shinkenger so far. It's just SO DAMN CUTE.
I still respect Tatsuhisa a lot and Shougo is kind of really cute, but I think that I think of him more like an adorable younger brother that's just starting out and doing really well. It just sounds like an awesome experience and it makes me really excited to see more of his work.
That and I WANT SOME SHINKENGER IMAGE SONGS. XD I wanna hear this boy sing. Music runs my world, so I have to have my musical thirst satiated. The opening theme is already godly, so I have high expectations from this cast. Why is THIS the 33rd Sentai? I think this would've done better as the 30th anniversary series than Boukenger.
I really want his bear jacket though. It's like $200 and limited in quantity and it doesn't really come out actually until later on in the year I think if I'm reading it right. I want his bear pendant/chain/dogtag thing too. I also want to get a couple of the toys like the Shodou Phone, Hiden Belt, Shinkenmaru, Shodou Phone Holder, Wood Spear (comes bundled with Water Arrow, but my friend Mayumi said she'd take the arrow), and I want the Kuma Origami. XD I got a mini Kuma Origami this weekend from Marukai. Assembly was required and it came with candy.
Oh, also this one pic here that I found on google:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/DWFan26/aedeab8c.jpg
Some reason Shougo with a beanie on reminds me of when Tatsuhisa wears one like on the Heated Heart cover. Again, Shougo reminds me of him a lot. XD I think his face shape is generally closer to Kajinaga Daishi from PLC's though, but it's just from certain angles and stuff Shougo reminds me of a picture I'd seen before of Tatsuhisa. I just think it's amusing.
Praying for Success
Well, I haven't really written anything in awhile and the last few things were more on the profound side. Today I was just thinking though about both of the people I respect the most in this world. Miyavi's breaking off from PSC this year and will be going off on his own to manage his career. I think this could be good for him because a lot of PSC's workings are confined to within Japan only, so this gives Miyavi an opportunity to really grow to international stardom. And then for Tatsuhisa, I've noticed that lately he's been focusing more on doing radio work, which is interesting and also probably the best and most profound thing he has going for him to balance out making money in other lucrative yet shallow ventures. In regards to his roles as a seiyuu, I also noticed that that activity has been dwindling a bit. I wonder if it's difficult or if it just seems more fulfilling to do the radio work. Either way though, I'm happy to see that he's doing something and with something that's more interactive like radio, it's probably more meaningful for him whereas a lot of seiyuu work is very one way and doesn't necessarily pay as well unless you whore yourself out. Compared to his peers, I get the feeling that he has more of a problem with this than they do although he seems pretty comfortable when he's around the ones that are his friends. Friends can make a situation that's not necessarily happy times seem better though, so that could be why. At the same time though, the last "new" thing I heard him sing just sounded painful. Not really because it was bad cuz he was totally on key, but for some reason it just gave me the feeling that he was miserable. Note-wise and just pure sound by ear it sounded good/decent, but it was severely lacking in the passion and fun that he had in other songs he's sung. Rather than anything else, it made me feel kind of sad or pity for him. And seriously, he's done image songs before and for fanservicey things, but I've never heard anything like that before that left me with a shallow feeling of emptiness, sadness, and hidden misery. The best song out of the 4 in that set that he had done for that was the ending. I don't know if he was glad it was over or if he connected more with that song, but it was just better. It kind of just seemed like a mystery to me though because even with other songs that I would think that maybe he might not have cared for that much he had so much more passion in his singing, but these ones...it was just painful to listen to. One song I thought was totally not him either and even though I hadn't really gotten into whatever he made it for and I only got it for the sake of the music, the song itself just seemed to totally not match anything. It was just SO CUTESY and the music itself was irritating, but listening to him gave me the feeling that he was irritated with having to DO the song. Stuff like that makes me sad because I have such respect and hope for him for having some kind of passion or something that somehow reached me and helped me out when I was going through something very painful and nothing else was helping. It's not like he's been unsuccessful at his career. Rather he's had some pretty good successes, but at the same time he can get so much more. He's had several significant big roles, but nothing that was really the main or the star and I think he could get that. I don't know if times like this project where I heard the pain to my soul discourage him or what, but I really think he has the potential for something even greater than what he's doing now. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't think I place my respect on just anyone. Miyavi's aspiring to greater heights and great things and I think Tatsuhisa can as well although maybe not the same great things.
Still, despite the recent musical disappointment, I still look forward to hearing more songs from him. He just needs the opportunity for the growth in that area so that he can really do songs that are true to him. He has a lot in him and I only got a little short-lived taste of it and I would like to hear more. Miyavi has a full career where I get to hear his soul like all the time, but for Tatsuhisa it seems like his soul's creatively repressed and that saddens me. It's by circumstance because he doesn't have the tools or the means to pursue that at the same time as following his initial dream of being a voice actor, but he has something really beautiful in him. Musical pursuit can be hard too because there's so many parts to a song and you have a lot of hit and miss if you do it ad hoc without having any kind of experience in musical theory. It's a whole new area to study and I don't know if he has the time to do that kind of study to get the creative freedom necessary and even if he did, he'd need the financial backing as well. I wish though and I pray for the best for him because I got to see something very wonderful in him in the pieces that were supposedly closest to him and the ones that have lyrics that he had at least written himself. Something that wonderful has to be nurtured and be allowed to grow and encouraged and shared with others. I hope he gets that opportunity. Miyavi already gets that opportunity and I've enjoyed that so much about him for so long. Miyavi's soul reaching out has helped me so much with a lot of painful things in my life. While it didn't stop my manic depressiveness or the grief over my Dad's passing, it helped me through a lot of sadness I've had in my first 20+ years of life. The music of both I feel like represent two different parts of myself like that, and I equally want both to be shared with the world.
At the same, I pray for my own success. I don't know how I'll do it still, but I know in the end sometime in the next 40 years I really want to do something that helps Asians in this country to have the same opportunities as everyone else and I want my kids to grow up in a world without fear of not being accepted or that they won't get their desired profession. Some people in the world really work hard and maybe haven't had the best things happen to them. I think I'm one of them and I think those two boys I respect so much are also among them, so I pray for all of our success and I hope they do well and are happy because I want that kind of thing too.
Remembrance & Redress
This past Thursday was the Japanese American Internment Day of Remembrance. Although I'm actually Chinese American, this day is also important to me as an Asian American. It marks a day to truly behold one of the worst sins our country has committed and to vow to never let it happen again. The sheer idea of never letting blind hatred such as this happen again is also partly what drives me to try to help Asians to become more accepted in entertainment. It goes full circle. For one thing, Asians are generally treated "the same" even if we are technically different, so what affects one group affects us all. Secondly, if Asians become more prominent figures in entertainment, then it will help us with acceptance socially because us being around will become more and more "normal" and we get back more of our humanity instead of continuing the exoticism of Asians because we're a "novelty". While California and New York may have high Asian populations, most of the rest of the country does not. Even in some parts of California, I'm even regarded as "foreign" even though I've lived in California my whole life. It really angers me that even though I've always been American since birth, that when I go to some small town in California, some guy can have the audacity to come up to me and tell me to "go back to Asia" or to "go home". I AM HOME. FUCK YOU.
It doesn't have a direct effect on me, but internment still makes me very sad. It's a memory of a time when all Asians were frowned upon and it's a true blessing now that we're getting more headway and enough acceptance that Master Card mentioned Japanese pop in a commercial during the Grammy's. It's a blessing that young girls around the country import CDs from Miyavi, Suzuki Tatsuhisa, and others and have them mailed to their homes from specialty stores. 20 years ago when I was little, I never could've imagined this would happen. I didn't know anything about my Asian identity and wanted to be a white blonde ballerina girl. I'm really different now, aren't I? Still though, there's a lot more we have to do before we achieve true equality. I might not ever see it in my lifetime, but I hope that whatever I can do in my own life to support Asian celebs that I respect such as Miyavi and Tatsuhisa, that my kids or their children have a brighter and more equal future.
With that, I'd like to continue on to more serious matters. While Japanese Americans have had their redress and now have their history taught in at least most American schools, there's still some parts of the redress and a much more serious crime that must be atoned for. During WWII, not only were Japanese Americans interned, but approximately 2,300 Japanese Latin Americans from 13 South American countries were also kidnapped from their countries and brought to the United States to serve as POWs to Japan. They had their passports stripped from them and because they could no longer identify themselves, they were marked as "illegal aliens" when they reached American soil. Mass paranoia had influenced the U.S. into thinking that those of Japanese ancestry in South American countries were threats to the U.S. because of their "close proximity". Racial hatred in those countries also influenced those countries to let the U.S. take them as well although Brazil refused because the Japanese in their country had already integrated into their society. 800 of those kidnapped were exchanged to Japan and 900 after internment were forced to go to Japan after their home country refused to readmit them because of a lack of identification. The others struggled to try to stay in the U.S. Unfortunately, this is a part of WWII history that has gotten little to no acknowledgment, which brings us to recent campaigns to bring redress to Japanese Latin Americans and their story. The wrong must be righted and people must know the truth of what happened. For more info, go here: http://www.campaignforjusticejla.org/. Info on current events regarding the redress is up on the site and continued help is needed. I know the economy sucks right now, but even in a sucky economy, it's not time for us to ignore important things like this part of our history. We must always remember so that this never happens again.
Musical Concert Trip of Awesome 2009
Okay, so I do have some plans or concerts this year and they're all in April. It's going to be PRETTY interesting.
So both Miyavi AND Antic Cafe will be performing in America in April and the same weekend! Miyavi will be in Texas just north of Houston and Antic Cafe will be in San Francisco, LA, and Anaheim. Molly was going to come with, but she's tight on money cuz she wants to move to LA this summer. She's still trying to work out a way to go, but right now it's down to me and Ceece in the impromptu Musical Trip of Awesome. I swear it's nice to do something completely crazy like this once a year cuz it's fun. Last year we went to all of Miyavi's concerts in America. LOL The year before that, I flew myself to Las Vegas pretty much by myself on NBA All Star & Chinese New Year weekend and went to JRR. Awesometastic~! Then that one year was when my sister and I secretly ditched Fanime for ONE DAY to go see Psycho le Cemu at PMX. That was crazy town of awesome cuz the next day we came back for GakuFest and saw camino, BLOOD, and Duel Jewel. Not like I care for the latter two, but my arms HURT SO BAD after that weekend of concerts that I now restrain myself when I go to concerts. My arms were literally aching from muscle failure.
So, the plan is that I take off two days from work so that we can fly out to Houston on Thursday (mini-vacation~ yay~) for Miyavi and then the flight back to California on Sunday, we'll make it back JUST ON TIME to go see Antic Cafe at the Anaheim House of Blues. I'm going to be so piss ass tired, but it'll be fun! I need to try to save up money for tour goods. I managed to acquire a towel through an LJ auction though, so I'm like YAY! It's a trophy.
I'm seriously so psyched though! I get to hear NEO TOKYO SAMURAI BLACK and then wrap up the weekend with some Gokutama Rock stylings along with probably My Heart Leaps for C and some old stuff. I like Smile Ichiban Ii Onna and Super Rabbit though, so I hope they play it even though Bou's gone. They did last year.
Mayumi said she was gonna try to catch them in SF after her final as a reward to herself. XD I hope she can go~ She's the biggest An Cafe fan I know.
Pikachusident's Day
OMG this has to be the best way I've spent President's Day in a long time. I left for a bit to pick up my Akai Ito Book 1 I bought from Amazon.co.jp, but other than that I'd been watching Cartoon Network's Pokemon Marathon. The cut to commercial spoofs have to be some of the FUNNIEST SHIT I've seen in awhile relating to Pokemon.
Well, other than remembering that Tatsuhisa voices a kid whose ass I kick on a regular basis.
But seriously, during the half-time cut to commercials, they have this thing about "truths" of American history where American Presidents were once Pokemon Masters. LMAO Oh man....
George Washington for instance had a Pikachu that helped him to take Boston during the Revolutionary War. William Howard Taft had a Munchlax with whom he ate their weight in food everyday and had eating contests in the State Room. Ulysses S. Grant apparently had a Staraptor that helped him to win a decisive battle. Theodore Roosevelt had a Lucario which he used to train the army for the Spanish-American War. Shieldon was apparently presented to President Reagan for protection after his assassination attempt, and Abe Lincoln apparently had a Chatot that helped him to write his speeches. *tries to imagine Chatot writing the Gettysburg Address: "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brought forth upon this continent, a new nation,..."* LMAO And then Richard Nixon apparently rode a Dialga on the south lawn of the White House. Oh man, the cream of the crop was the pic of Winston Churchill, Franklin Roosevelt, and Joseph Stalin with their "favorite Pokemon" when they took a break from discussing politics post-WWII. Churchill had a Kricketot, Roosevelt had a Chimchar, and Stalin had a HAPPINY. ROFLMAO STALIN AND A HAPPINY?! Oh man, that is HILARIOUS. The image of one of the most hated men in the history of the entire world with a perky pink Pokemon is now permanently SEERED INTO MY BRAIN and it is hilarious.
Oh man, I don't think I'll ever be able to think of Pokemon the same after this. There was one ep earlier too where Hikari and Satoshi entered a contest and Pikachu and Satoshi cosplayed aliens from Urusei Yatsura. XD I was like "I RECOGNIZE THAT". I must be a nerd to know it. And then the one main pompous lady that was the favorite had some enka music playing and her Mismagius seemed like it was imitating Kobayashi Sachiko.
Other than that, other people just have to see the commercial advertising the marathon though. It has some of the images I just mentioned and it's HILARIOUS.
Oh man, if Washington really had a Pikachu, it'd be so funny. "I pledge allegiance to the Pikachu of the United States of America" LOL
New Street Fighter Movie?
OMG I just saw the commercial for this and I think a part of my soul just died. This is either going to be pretty good and fun like the first MK movie, or cheesey and bad. I'm thinking more of the latter. The Japanese website seems to make it look cooler than the American one does, but really.... Also, I like Kristin Kreuk. I think she's talented, but casting her as Chun-Li brings questions to mind..... I mean, she's like the most White Chun-Li they could pick. I think Kristin's a talented person, but at the same time I question the casting and wonder if because she only has slight Asian features if they thought that would make her more acceptable to White America. I mean, I'm sure it's great for Kristin's career, but at the same time....I have to really wonder about the acceptance of Asian actors and actresses in Hollywood with this choice. Like for Christ's sake, why not someone FULL CHINESE? And seriously, for Kristin, I would think she could do better than a VIDEO GAME movie of all things. I know she's shown some dramatic prowess on Smallville and I think that's great for her and great for Asians cuz it gets away from the stereotype that we all fucking know martial arts, but doing a video game movie....
I'm also worried about the fact that I haven't really seen anything on this in association with CAPE which makes me wonder...I mean Kung Fu Panda was associated with CAPE and that movie's amazing and I feel mad respect for it portraying China in a way that has me really satisfied despite being martial arts themed. But then Street Fighter....God, something about this doesn't bode well for me. I really like Chun-Li and some shots look interesting and pretty, but I'm worried that what good there is in the film will be overshadowed by cheesey story elements of retarded that are littered with Orientalist ideas of Asians.
On the plus side, since she's an Asian woman that KICKS ASS she gets away from the "docile Asian woman" perspective, but I'm worried that her lack of being "docile" will be attributed to the fact that she's of mixed descent rather than full Asian. I'm really worried about the image problems this movie presents. Well, also, why is Taboo Vega (Balrog in Jpn)? Isn't he supposed to be from Spain? And why is Bison (Vega in Jpn) White AGAIN? I thought he was from Thailand. D=
I dunno what I think about this really but so far it's not good. I'm actually genuinely worried about what young Asian kids will think of looking at this. Are they going to think that they have to make themselves Whiter in order to be accepted in American society? This is the very thing I want to avoid and to try to make disappear by becoming a translator. I want to make a place where Asians can have equal footing and make it so that Asian culture is just as important in Asian American heritage. You don't have to forsake all of it and forsake your Asian-ness to get ahead. You can just be you. I'm hoping beyond hope that this film shows some really significant parts of Asian culture that really helps to redeem it against my fears.
EDIT: Ceece just told me they're making a Dragonball movie set in American high school. Okay, Hollywood, you are now officially MURDERING MY SOUL. D= AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL?! REALLY?! And Son Goku is White. WHY??????????? OH GOD WHY?????
My friend Molly said she thinks she just threw up in her mouth a little. D=
Oh man...the horror and nightmares...not ceasing. Why is Goku White? REALLY? SON GOKU? It boggles the mind. AND WHY HIGH SCHOOL? WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT ACID TRIP IS THIS? Oh man..so many things I'd rather do than ever be forced to watch this monstrosity. So many things I never thought I'd even want to see, but if I was given a choice, I'd rather do just about anything other than watch this nightmare.
Mayumi said her and her friends were gonna go see it just to laugh at it.
I'm wondering what studio actually thought this was a good idea to give it a green light to film? DO THEY WANT TO DO WELL IN A SHITTY ECONOMY? Apparently not. Apparently they want to bomb.
Insomnia?
So I haven't been sleeping well lately. I'll probably go to bed early today too, but last night I had about 5 hours of sleep. O_o It seems better than last week though, but maybe it's just cuz last week was really stressful. The gauntlet's not quite over yet though, so maybe that's why I'm still having sleep problems. Last year, the funeral was on February 16th because we had to do it a week or so after Chinese New Year or else no one would come because they'd think they'd be jinxed.
It's still really hard though. It feels like a bad dream that I still have to wake up from, but I know I won't. Even though I only got 5 hours though, it's not like the music isn't helping cuz actually it is. I probably would've gotten a lot less if I didn't listen just cuz for some reason, listening helps to just quiet my mind and help it to get into a more calmed mode. Music still helps, again, Tatsuhisa's. I'm still not really sure precisely why his music and not Miyavi's have somehow helped me deal with my grief and overcome the incessant crying, but it works. It calms me down a lot. I'm not even sure why I keep coming back to this subject, but it just strikes me as tres bizarre. I'm like totally not into maybe like 60% of his activities, but I'm semi-dependent on listening to his music when I'm going through a rough patch that nothing else seems to help me with. Not only that, but my manic depressiveness kind of ended last year as well. I think part of that was a resultant of my Dad actually passing a way and feeling guilty for being bipolar, but I don't think guilting yourself out of it necessarily fixes it either. I listened to Miyavi for years too and still had bipolar tendencies. I could've just has easily regressed and then died of a broken heart a few months after my Dad passed away too from just being overcome for all of the grief, but somehow I didn't and I literally got better. My thinking pattern just did a total 180 and I don't think grief alone did that.
My friend Molly said that maybe I found some kind of strength in Tatsuhisa and his music and maybe sensing that helped encourage me to become stronger myself. That and the story about what apparently happened to him. Although, I take the story with a grain of salt too. XD It's not like I don't want to believe him or anything, but considering I don't personally know him and he is a celeb, there's always a possibility that it's a front. Not that I want to really be that cynical because I'd like to really believe that there are people that are sincere and famous in the world, but sometimes you never know. I think the same thing about Miyavi too because Miyavi's supposed to be REALLY NICE and listens to his fans and stuff, but then at the same time you don't know if he just does that to stay famous or if it's genuine. I've heard from people closer to him that it's genuine.
Still all the same, Tatsuhisa represents something inspirational cuz at least it appears that he's persevering and lyrically at least, the songs that are said to be more personal to him are more meaningful (and apparently the most helpful in calming me down, which is partly why I'm more inclined to believe him). Usually when I listen to a song the first time too, I don't even listen to or read the lyrics. I listen to the melody and the general feel of the song and that's how I decide if I like it or not. Songs that are my favorite usually have something else about them that draws me to them. I think even more so, was his age and the fact that he's just a little less than 3 months younger than me. It's different when it's someone older than you says something inspirational and takes a stand, but when it's someone who's the same age as you and maybe you could regard as a "peer", it's remarkable. It kind of gives you an extra push just because if you're the same age and in about the same place in life, there's no reason for you to not persevere too.
But yah, I think maybe Molly might be right that maybe I sense some kind of strength in him and that's why his music helps me so much. Music is the food of the soul, so music that he puts out there is representative of what's in him, so if the song is strong, there has to be strength in the person producing it too. Of course I'm not really really sure, which is why I keep wondering about it.
At the same time too, I wonder if maybe I just sense something of what I lost of my Dad in him too. Miyavi for sure is nothing like my Dad, but Tatsuhisa at least has a few things although most of what I can think of off the top of my head is kind of a weak correlation. If this were true, there must be some kind of deeper sense that I got from both my Dad and him that puts me into a particular kind of comfort zone. I don't think that's a long shot though. If you believe in horoscopes, their birthdays were fairly close to each other. Other than that, when I was little and I was being abused by my Mom, my Dad was always there to help me out. When my Mom put me outside and slammed the door in my face, my Dad let me back in. When my Mom locked me in the bathroom, my Dad let me out. And sometimes when my Mom hit me, my Dad stopped her or picked me up and took me a way for a bit and put me on his lap and played horsey with me. XD He'd say something funny and then it'd make me laugh instead of cry and within minutes I'd feel better. When my Mom hit my right ear and I was deaf for the rest of the day, Dad picked me up and took me away for the weekend. And then when I ran away the first time, my Dad found me and took me out for ice cream before bringing me home. He never thought badly of anything I did or said and he never yelled at me or hit me. He was always calm about everything even when he was upset or angry. Maybe somehow the fact that Tatsuhisa is a seiyuu and the all the work he does around that reminds me of how my Dad used to say funny things to make me and my sister laugh. But then that would be true about any seiyuu, so why him? Is his sense of humor the same?
I remember after we watched this one movie, there was a preview for a spider cartoon called "Itsy Bitsy Spider". I don't really know why, but I really hated that short and then I couldn't believe they made an actual show of it. It was kind of annoying and it was yuck. So then my Dad would sometimes pretend his hand was Itsy Bitsy, and my sister and I would be like "KILL ITSY BITSY!" and chase after his hand and pretend to kill it. XD And then this other time during dinner, my Dad finished early and had to go to his bowling club and on the way out he picked up my ninja turtle Leonardo stuffed animal and said "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles~ YAY" to the theme song of the cartoon my sister and I grew up with. XD My sister and I started laughing and nearly choked on our salad.
I'm not really sure what it is, but maybe I see some of those kinds of things in Tatsuhisa and maybe that's why his music helps me sleep.
La~ Profile Update
So yeah, I got bored and updated a bunch of my profiles. I didn't update all of them like I left LJ, and deviantart alone cuz they're pretty updated, but a few of my pages I hadn't updated in like 2-4 years. It's like...wow, that's old. I'm 25 now. XD
Other than that, I did some shopping today for Meg's birthday and while I was out, I bought Akai Ito the book! Like the hard cover. Actually I only found destiny and precious. Asahiya was out of the first one probably because of Fuji TV airing the drama, but the drama's going to go into that book and destiny cuz Asami is gonna be in the drama. God I hate Asami though.
And then today, I also went to Toys R Us cuz I was trying to look for something for Meg and also, they were giving out Shaymin today. XD So then I was like YAY SHAYMIN! I'd been wanting a Shaymin since I saw them giving it out on Pokemon Sunday for the Giratina movie. The cute little girls with their DSes were saying how much they loved their Sheimi because it was cute and strong. =D I have Jpn Platinum too, so I can transfer it. Originally when I got Diamond, I was gonna let that one be the main and my Pearl be the "bitch" one that gets me other Pokemon and stuff, but now I'm gonna transfer everything to my Platinum since I just got it after I finish the National Dex in Diamond. Well, also after I move a little further in Platinum. I think I got Turtwig since that was the one I don't have yet, but I kind of really want another perma-Pochama/Piplup. Penguins are SO CUTE. Although, seriously I haven't really played Platinum much lately...I'm still at the beginning because I'm having a hard time playing it without falling over laughing. XD It's not really bad laughing, but again the idea of equating Tatsuhisa with a kid whose ass I kick just brings up laughter.
This year should be interesting too because the next movie is going to have Arceus, which means they're probably going to give him out over the summer and then America'll get it like next year. CN's airing the Giratina movie on Friday, so we'll probably get it in 2010.
A Lot On My Mind - Power of the Arts
I really have a lot on my mind right now. There's of course the anniversary of last year's events, but I finished reading Akai Ito today. Book 3 is actually of little significance compared to the first 2 books, but it's sweet all the same. It's also adds another layer of realism to it in that it shows that even after the main part of the drama ends and the two high school sweethearts get together, there's STILL stuff that happens to them and still trials and more difficulties. Even the most perfect of romances still have things that need to be worked on and still have difficulties. For that little layer, I really like that. A lot of serendipitous things happened to Mei and Atsushi at the end, but then just like everyone else in the world, they still have problems. Nothing is truly perfect or completely happy and while Book 3 only gives a peek into this sort of life and doesn't go so far into it until they turn into grandparents, it shows that even as a young couple while they are now forever set on each other, they still have difficulties and things don't magically get fixed after the stalking ex-girlfriend goes away or the drug problems are gone and so on. At the same time, reading the book kind of makes me feel kind of fulfilled in a vicarious kind of way because it's enough drama that I don't need any in my own life. But then at the same time, I'm still envious of Mei and I'm kind of like "It'd be nice if I had my own Atsushi~". But then I don't feel like I really need one either. Mei's thinking pattern is also similar to mine although there are a few times I don't necessarily agree with her either, but then that might be because I'm also older. When I was in high school, I think I kind of thought more similar to the way she does. She's similar enough though that I can really get into the book and enjoy it.
At the same time too, the audience for the book, I read, is mainly middle school and high school girls. It made me really think that girls that age are really lucky to live in this time instead of 10 years ago when I was growing up and in high school. Tatsuhisa's fan base is also about the same age though and even overseas, there are girls in that age group keeping up with him and keeping up with a lot of other things targeting that age. I'm not really into most of the things that Tatsuhisa releases, but at the same time I understand that that might be because I'm also OLDER and the same age as him versus the same age as his fans. So then after reading Akai Ito, I thought back to when I was that age. The internet was just starting up and we had dial-up. The world by far was not as connected as it is now and things were definitely not as accessible. I remember it used to take 6 hours to download a 60 mb PV on our 56k modem back in junior year of high school. Youtube and the kind of connections and resources teenagers have now in comparison is DEFINITELY unbelievable, and it's because of that, that I really question myself and how I would be if I had experienced what I had now versus 10 years ago. A lot of really painful things happened to me in middle school and high school and I didn't really have anyone or anything to turn to. Music resources were very limited and it would take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to download an mp3 AFTER, of course, you actually had the hard drive space to fit it. I remember back in middle school when we got my precious VAIO that lasted me 8 years that 4 gb was an awesome and unheard amount of hard disk space. It was top of the line back then and when I went into chat rooms on it, that's what got me in real trouble the first time. But then I didn't really have anyone to talk about those things with either. Messaging programs were still at the dawn of their development and talking to my family was out of the question. Then in high school when I had that stuff happen between me and Dennis and I had nothing really to vent my suffering through or to even escape from it, I ended up lying in bed all day crying while my Mom periodically came in to pick on me. I'd play games, but mostly RPGs and like most RPGs back then, if you went too fast, you put yourself at a disadvantage as higher leveled monsters would kick your ass to the moon. So then there'd be a few hours of monotonous leveling which wouldn't be a great way to escape thinking about the suffering going on in your life since during that boredom, you'd remember it. And with music resources so limited since mp3s took up so much goddamn space, finding musical ways to vent my emotions was somewhat unheard of or at least unexact. If Miyavi had gone solo even a year or two earlier, I might have been happier if I had happened upon his Ashita, Tenki ni Naare. I dunno, I don't really want to think too much about the past anymore, so if I'm being too brief and confusing, that would be why. Even still though, thinking about all the music kids these days have access to and along with everything else aimed at them and it just makes me think that it must be near impossible for them to stay as depressed as I was. I mean, I'm still they still have their own issues because they're teenagers and drama happens, but it seems like there are so many more ways to cope with the pain available now that I didn't have. I'm a little envious. Like they have a plethora of artists, a plethora of various hot guy celebs, a plethora of games and programming aimed at them, and a plethora of reasons to get over an asshole that broke their heart. There's so much more things to divert your focus to or to remind you that there are other people out there in the world that I think that maybe my life would have been happier if I had even grown up now instead of back then.
Also, besides that, Akai Ito really turned my mind kind of topsy turvy. Like there's a lot of things in it that really made me question my values where I had long thought that if "this situation" or "that situation" should arise, that I would act "this way". But then so much crap happens to Mei, that I found myself questioning myself and thinking "Okay, if *THAT* happened to me, then maybe I would." Like for instance, toward the beginning of the book Mei and Atsushi break up the first time partly because of an argument and then a huge misunderstanding and then an actual serious problem. The initial argument I thought maybe Mei was overreacting because for their 1 month anniversary, Atsushi had to go do something with a friend so she got all mad because he wasn't going to go to the amusement park with her. While I understand that an anniversary is important, one month isn't really THAT BIG of a landmark. The book kind of skimps on some of their relationship development for that first month too and to begin with, their relationship was founded on helping Mei to forget her feelings for her childhood friend Yuuya who was in love with her older sister. It was kind of a lie to begin with, so I didn't understand why she was so upset over it. But any case, she was upset and maybe they did get really close after just one month. I can see how that can be easy to occur as well, but then at the same time...the premise of their relationship didn't really seem all that strong to begin with. But anyway, Mei leaves in a huff and then she runs into Kohta who's an upperclassman who was kind of interested in her that asked Yuuya to introduce him to her and they exchanged phone numbers and stuff. So then Kohta invites her to go drinking and she's a little mad so she goes. Nothing really happens other than she meets some upperclassmen and she gets drunk and then Kohta escorts her home only since she's drunk she makes the mistake of holding hands with him. The problem is that Atsushi's been trying to contact her ALL DAY so he goes to her house to try to find her and he sees this. Then when Kohta's leaving, he makes it sound like something happened cuz he's an asshat. Well, he's got some redeeming qualities later on, but he's really kind of an asshole right here. So then Atsushi obviously gets upset and he says he wants to break up and Mei of course is crying and begs him not to. So then they stay together and Atsushi says that MAYBE he'll call her if they're gonna do something for their one month anniversary. He ends up not calling. It turns out that that night he was kind of upset, so he decides to go do E. Yes, this boy has access to drugs apparently, only the person he gets it from is the chick he's helping out the next day cuz she's a friend of his Mom's and an old sefure of his that is also his pusher. Atsushi has a bit of a dark past where when he got in spats with his Mom (who is a bar owner), would stay over at women's houses in exchange for "services". *cough* This one chick was one of them and he ends up sleeping with her cuz the drugs kind of shut off all his inhibitions, but he kind of took the drugs willingly in the first place cuz he was pissed. It's still clearly his own fault. So then the next day he's all tired cuz he didn't get any sleep and after moving crap for her (her name's Karen btw), he gets tired and falls asleep in her apartment and never calls Mei. Mei tries to call him and he doesn't answer. She goes to his house and his Mom tells him that he's out helping a friend of hers. Mei tries to cal him again and Karen answers and tells her what happened the night before which of course hurts her and she hangs up. Then she gets a message "from" Atsushi that tells her that he got a new gf so they're breaking up. Mei text messages him back telling him to never contact her again and that's basically it for their relationship. At this point in the story, I was seriously sitting there wondering why the fuck she would ever go back to him and honestly if you only read up to this part of the story, you think the same thing. The message it turns out was actually from Karen hacking Atsushi's phone, but that doesn't excuse the events from the night before even with the drugs. Where it gets convincing is all the shit that happens to Mei AFTER this. Like she gets close to Kohta which pisses off his ex who still has feelings for him and this other chick is jealous of Mei's friend Mia who she brings along on her adventures into the night trying to get over Atsushi. So then the two girls that are jealous of them set up this elaborate trap to get them raped. WHAT THE HELL?! It's so messed up, but then right after that, Atsushi starts to sound REALLY GOOD. Normally for me, I think that I wouldn't go back to a guy who's on drugs and cheated on me, but then if I was horribly gang raped, I'd probably be re-thinking that too. It's like one of those things where you think life can't get any worse and then it DOES and then you regret forsaking what you had to begin with. But oh no, it gets better! So then after this little escapade, they find out who does it and there's this huge confrontation where Kohta basically beats the shit out of his ex before going to the police and getting jail time for himself besides turning in his ex and the other people involved in the horrible incident and the people do get arrested, but when Mei goes home one night to find her parents fighting, she walks in on her Dad calling her a good for nothing daughter that belongs to someone else, so then Mei's further crushed and runs out into the night. Having been raped and then rejected by her parents, she decides to kill herself. At this point, my mouth is just like dropped in shock and Atsushi sounds closer to a saint cuz at least he's never hit a woman and isn't a sleeze or a scheming plotter that forces horrible events on other people. This book was full of utter shock. Atsushi was actually planning on calling Mei that day too only he'd just fallen asleep and afterward he actually had horribly regretted what he'd done. Regret alone doesn't seem like enough to go back to someone, but regret and then piles of worse crap happening to you does make it seem like a good idea to go back. So then when Mei wakes up from her attempted suicide, she finds out she was actually adopted and her mom had commited suicide cuz of the loneliness of a broken heart because her yakuza father was arrested. O_o This girl's life is full of suck. When she goes back to school, it seems most of the events from prior had disappeared, but she gets word from her friends that Atsushi's in trouble cuz of his drug use so then she goes to see him and she makes him promise to quit. They don't get back together although Atsushi clearly wants to, which is why he does end up quitting. The next school year though, they end up in different classes and Mei ends up in another class than him and getting close to someone else for a bit. You think it's over, but no, it isn't. This new guy is someone that one of her new friends also likes, but then the new guy ends up liking her instead and because she has a hard time saying "No" to people, she goes on a pity date with him. Her friend finds out, gets pissed and TRIES TO STRANGLE HER before throwing herself off the emergency staircase. She survives, but Mei is horribly picked on because of what happened and everyone else but her realizes she's starting to like the new guy. Atsushi kind of seems like a sleeze in this one part that I won't get into, but actually he was being kind of nice in that he wanted to try to shock her into realizing she did actually like the new guy. Eventually she does go out with the new guy, but after awhile he starts to get horribly overprotective especially after they start high school and he doesn't get into high school cuz he fails the exam. So then when the overprotective prison starts getting super extreme, he eventually HITS MEI for deciding to spend time with her friends instead of spending every ounce of her free time with him. So basically, a bunch of shit happens and then she ends up with the future wife beater. Atsushi sounds like a real saint now. Atsushi's also doing totally better too and is clean and going to a private commercial trade high school. On top of new guy hitting her, he ends up twisting things to make it sound like it's HER FAULT for "making" him hit her. I'm flabbergasted and thinking "WHY DOESN'T SHE LEAVE HIM NOW AND GO BACK TO A-KUN?!" But no, she stays with him and it isn't until after he hits her two times more, and at another time, chases her to her apartment where she barely makes it inside before being smacked again that she actually decides to leave him. D= Seriously, if they hit you once, they crossed the barrier. No matter what they say, they can and will do it again. Again, after all this Atsushi sounds real good only here's the kicker, he gets another girlfriend for real now. =O This chick turns out to be crazy though. She like flips out after Mei comes over to ask Atsushi about some charms she saw at the shrine near his house. She'd gone there to pray for her adoptive Dad who was in the hospital for cancer that she'd been reunited with. While she was there, she saw some prayers written on euma that were specifically for her happiness and her Dad's health and stuff. The priest there then tells her about a boy who loves this girl named "Mei" and never forgot about her and always prays for her. O_o But yah, Mei just goes over to ask about that and the new gf flips out and starts going on jealous rampages and harassing Mei. Out of her crazy Atsushi ends up breaking up with her anyway and ESPECIALLY so after they find out that she lied about having a heart condition to stay with him. And then it isn't until AFTER all this bullshit that him and Mei finally get back together. It's exasperating, but after all that crap Mei gets dragged through he looks like an angel. There's a lot of other stuff that happens too, but in the end Atsushi's pretty understanding.
So again, my mind got flipped topsy turvy. I'm sorry for anyone who actually wanted to read the book that I spoiled it for, but I'm very open with spoilers and I just had to explain why my brain is just flipped all around from this book. It's a really angsty book and a lot of awful stuff happens in it, but it's written really well and in the end you really root for Atsushi to be with Mei even though he isn't perfect himself. He just seems better than everything else and he really tried to reform because of Mei and continued to watch over her even when she wasn't interested anymore. And it's not like super devotion or anything because he did get another girlfriend for awhile and he tried with all his might to come like her, but he just wasn't interested. And then it's just Mei's life is such a mess that it doesn't seem like there is any other good choice since she's happy with Atsushi and normally he does treat her right and is pretty patient with her even when she's being a little selfish or being a lot selfish and freaking the hell out. The way I'm describing him now, he probably doesn't sound like a "real guy", but seriously if you read it, he sounds really real. A lot of it's mostly Mei freaking out and even as a woman myself, while it is a stereotype, I do admit there are times when we freak out for stupid reasons over an overboard freak out. I think I'm just making him sound weird in juxtaposition to Mei's freak outs and her suck life. A lot of Atsushi's decisions that are shown though seem real and reasonable enough that anyone can do. And then at the same time, I also learned myself previously that guys do have feelings too. Well, not really learned, but "remembered". Like I think I mentioned in a previous post, sometimes I forget. Culture likes to portray guys as so aloof and like practically immune to rejection because they try over and over again, but guys love too and they have feelings also. Are they really going to act any different from Atsushi if they actually FIND a girl they really like? It's not like it was all fairytale really or anything. It was kind of by accident cuz initially he just kissed her out of pity, but then it felt right so they kept going. XD But seriously, I just came out of reading the book with a slightly new perspective on myself and what I thought about things. So I came to the conclusion that things would just be circumstantial and I'd have to evaluate the situation when I come to it....unless he hits me. That's a deal breaker right there. Still though, I think it'd be nice to have someone like Atsushi. Atsushi's not really perfect and he's had a hard life himself, but in the end he's the most understanding because he's been through his own fair share of shit and just wants something better and out of that. And since Mei's attack back when she was in high school is of a particularly sensitive subject, the thing that really seals it between them is when he saves her from a car and tells her not to worry about anything including his ex, stuff his Mom said when she didn't know Mei was there that was related to some awful plan his ex had to stay connected to him, and also not to worry about what happened to her in middle school (the rape) that she was afraid of telling him because he already knew. Victims of rape often feel like they're like "dirt" even though they didn't do anything wrong and Mei was feeling like that and ashamed and thought Atsushi would leave her, but he already knew about it and didn't care. And then of course if you think about his own past, he probably has connections. Plus, Mia is also a mutual friend of his and since they all go to the same school, when Mei gets hospitalized for attempted suicide and all her classmates know about that, OBVIOUSLY there would be some questions about what the hell happened to this girl that he was dating just a short time before and how the hell she ended up in the hospital, so it probably got answered then and he probably always knew and didn't care and really wanted to be with her. And besides that, that's probably also what sealed him quitting the drugs too when Mei asked him to. It's not just that he liked her, but rather he liked her and this girl that he REALLY CARED ABOUT that he might not have ever seen again because she almost DIED after they broke up is right there in front of him telling him to get the fuck off the stuff. When you stare straight into the tunnel of death and almost losing someone forever, it changes a lot of your thinking and it makes the things they tell you that much more valuable because they were almost not there to tell you.
I was thinking too that after Atsushi woke up to find that message from Mei, that probably hurt him a lot too cuz he was going to try and even though he was upset, it's not like the feelings he had for her disappeared overnight despite what he'd done or what happened. Either way, being mysteriously told not to ever contact the person you're interested in ever again after waking up is probably a huge stabbing pain. He was also probably pissed to look at his message history and find out what got sent to Mei when he was asleep. Considering he knows other people from his own nighttime travels, he probably got stuff from other people since Karen was never mentioned in the book again. Even though I think he was wrong, I can still imagine that was pretty painful for him to wake up to that.
And then the last thing I thought about teenagers in relation to this book and accessibility to things is that while we are more global and there's more access to information, it still seems like it's at least a little harder for teens to get in as much trouble in America as it is in Japan. With so much of the population in super urban areas like Tokyo and having A GOOD PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION SYSTEM where anyone can ride it and get anywhere, it's a lot easier to get to places where you can get into some pretty bad habits. In America, unless you LIVE in a major city like New York or San Francisco, it's not quite as easy to get into a dark life where you gallivant around town at all hours. Even in LA, you have to literally LIVE DOWNTOWN to get in this much trouble. I mean, I live in Torrance and by car, it's about 15-20 minutes to downtown by car without traffic. With traffic, that amount of time triples or quadruples. Public transportation can be an asswipe and to get anywhere "cool" it can take like 3 hours. The threshold for getting in trouble really doesn't start until kids get a car and even then, it depends on whether or not they even have the freedom to take the car out at night. I know my best friend in high school didn't although she was HAPPY to get her license. She just didn't have the liberty to take the car whenever she wanted. Other than that, it's not like there aren't some of the same problems, but it doesn't seem like it's possible for it to get quite as extreme because of the fact that so many teens are stranded without having a car or knowing a friend that has one. Like seriously, I lived in the middle of Silicon Valley growing up and I tried to run away several times only I had NOWHERE TO GO. SERIOUSLY. Where the hell was I going to go? I walked through miles through several residential districts and went to a relatively safe mall and walked back and I walked to my school campus. I walked about town and one time cuz I was mad at my Mom cuz I wanted to go to the mall for a school project and for some reason my Mom was being a huge bitch about it when I was trying to DO MY HOMEWORK, I walked back from the mall. This is from what used to be called Vallco in Cupertino BACK TO SUNNYVALE. That's far and took several hours. The most dangerous thing about it was making sure I didn't get hit by a car. Like even if I wanted to, I didn't even have the option to go sneak into a seedy part of town. It's not like some parts of Silicon Valley aren't seedy too, but really...they aren't seedy like some places middle and high school kids can get to since things are walkable or accessible by train. I'd seriously have to go FAR to get into the same amount of potential trouble. And then because there was nowhere for me to go, I ended up growing up to be basically a good kid. Plus, a lot of it's also your friends. The thing about being in America is that a lot of your Asian friends especially if you're a girl, also have overprotective parents. Not all of them, but a good amount of them do. My best friend couldn't cross the street even though she was in high school. Her Mom barely gave her the right to cross the street when she got into college and her Mom STILL picked her up everyday from school. She didn't even get to have the dorm experience or the apartment experience. Her Mom had her stay over at her grandparents and that was the most freedom she had. She also only had cell phone access during the school year. Her cell phone was disabled during the summer time when she was home. This is just one friend. I had another friend whose parents weren't QUITE this crazy, but still pretty protective and required her to come straight home from school and do homework right away and stuff. I dunno what it is about Asians in America that causes this specific kind of phenomenon, but this is how it was for most of the people in my class in high school. It doesn't exactly give you much potential to get in trouble when your parents have you on such a short leash. Totally different story in Japan though, but then again their system for school and work is different. It's also in some ways more flexible because you can probably get more of a living wage even if you do get a job at McDonald's. High school is also not compulsory though, so that probably adds to it. Although technicaly, completing high school in America isn't necessary compulsory either. Legally you're allowed to drop out at 16. The only problem is that minimum wage jobs don't pay the rent. At least not in California. And then to get anything you can actually live off of, you usually need to have a high school degree at least. I know some people who haven't completed college that have managed to get decent wages to live off of, but really passing high school at least is essential and then there's so much emphasis on college too that a lot of my peers were suffocated. College though, you find out isn't really career necessary, but more network necessary. I had more fun in college though with the classes I had. I enjoyed learning. =D But yah, it seems like things are essentially different I noticed while reading Akai Ito. I just don't think it's even possible today in this country to get in quite as much trouble whereas I find it believable that a kid could just leave their house in the middle of the night in Japan and then hop on a train before they shut down and hang around in town while the nightlife goes on around them cuz it's easy to get to. If I had a party outside my door like if I was living in the middle of San Francisco, I think that might be likely too, but no I lived in the suburbs like a good chunk of America. It's in comparison, relatively safe and boring. I mean there were kids at school I probably could've gotten drugs from and I probably could have joined a gang and maybe gone to some parties or ditched class to get pregnant, but other than that, that was kind of the limit of what trouble I could have gotten into. But then with the kind of nightlife available in Japan, dude, there's so many places a train savvy kid and their train savvy friends can get to because they're USED to riding it everyday anyway. And then if you're pissed at your parents, even if you don't do anything in town, the fact that you're in walking distance to a train station that can take you downtown and to a place with a lot of shiny lights and people walking around...the kind of trouble you can get into just seems so much more endless. I mean, around here I know there are clubs around, but it's not like they're all close together and it's kind of more noticeable when you're standing around cuz everything's a little more isolated unless you live in a big city. Like if I lived in SanFran, I can imagine hanging out at Fisherman's Warf all day and all night and getting into all kinds of stuff. In my hometown, I'd be bored to death. Where am I going to go? The comic store? Haunted Toys R Us? The mall? Seriously, it's so much more pathetic. It just seems like in comparison, it was just easier to pass time at school than be bored at home. I think nowadays I probably could go hang around Santana Row, but after window shopping there for awhile, it's not like there's that much to do there either. Santana Row is like the closest thing I can think of to a similar kind of nightlife, but it still would take forever and a day to get there by bus and plus VTA fares are like close to $2 last time I checked. Even now I don't think I would've gotten into that much trouble if I was an angsty teenager in this age. I don't think it's impossible for a kid to get into trouble like kids in Akai Ito, but it just seems like it'd be harder and it'd take actual effort to get into that much trouble. I'd have to be trying to get myself killed to end up in a position like that or for my "friends" to have access to people with a van to come and attack me and the threshold for when that could possibly even become a greater risk isn't even until later since it's so dependent on transportation access. Since public transportation is suck here and gets so limited in the later hours of the day, it's REALLY HARD.
And then I'm thinking now too since I live in Torrance. There are teenagers and stuff living around my apartment too, but where are they after school? At home. There's some stuff way up north of Hawthorne toward like Hawthorne the city and Lawndale where maybe they could get in some trouble, but really it's mostly just shops up there and then some warehouses. There's like nothing of a nightlife really until you go into downtown LA and it's a pain in the ass to get there from here without a car. If they wanna get into gang stuff, that's like two cities over, but why? Who would willingly go to the ghetto when they don't have to? If I were them, I'd be wanting to go to K-town, but again, that's the far-ness. And Jesus Christ even for J-Rock Revolution with all those kids ditching class on Friday to camp out outside the Wiltern, they were clearly SO MUCH MORE SAFE. It's amazing really.
But yah, really, a lot of more access to things online that can help with the teen issues and dealing with pain. But then at the same time the amount of crap that can potentially happen to a teen in America seems to have a lower possibility level at least until they get a car. It's just interesting, but I also almost wish that maybe I could've been born later on so that maybe I could have been happier. High school was really awful for me. The advent of my blogging started then because I wanted a place for mutual friends to find what I thought instead of hearing my words twisted by someone else. And at the same time, my writing was a way for me to deal with what was going on. But this was about all I had. Monotonous leveling, blogging, and chatting. I kind of wonder if I had a hot celeb that I admired back then telling me to move on, if it would've been so bad. Or if I had a good realistic book that told me a story of a decent ending after being dragged through shit or if I had games and shows that catered to my vulnerabilities as a dreaming girl in pain if it would've been so bad trying to get over Dennis back then. Maybe I wouldn't have felt quite as alone or abandoned and maybe 10 years later, I would have more respect for men than I actually do now. It's not that I really hate men, but I have a hard time trusting them and sometimes remembering that they're human beings with feelings. It's not like I want to be like that, but with all the cruelty I've endured, it's hard for me to remember that not all guys are as unfeeling and hurtful. There are some...a select few...that are caring and nice. And consciously, I do want to be gentle to them and I do want to be nice, but then I also get scared. Scared that I'm wrong again, so I forget.
Ah, creative works that get you thinking like this are great.
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